Originally Posted by eklctc
..............So I have managed to have my discussion with my partners and a very interesting and vital revelation has come out of it. While my male partner understood and agree with me on my viewpoints and acknowledged they were things he needed to work on, my female partner told me that she was not as physically attracted to me as, she believes, I am to her and could probably take or leave the relationship because her focus is on personal goals (which is understandable). She basically stated that she would be interested in continuing to hang out with me and being friends but she does not desire the sexual aspect of the relationship.
I'm glad that information came out, though, I am upset to find out that (1) both partners have kept this knowledge hidden from me, (2) my female partner has basically subjected herself to interactions that she really didn't want with me, and (3) we really are not working towards what was originally discussed and I'm the last one to find out.
Ok............no surprises here for me.
Because this is probably one of the most common....'difficulties' ....surrounding potential triads, quads, whatever.
It's hard enough for two people to connect on various levels (sexual, emotional, philosophical, political...whatever) - it's even more difficult to get 3 on this same level. And where this leads to problems and disillusionment is when it's set up from day one as "the goal". Once you frame it that way it can close up your mind towards other possibilities. It can become an all or nothing thing. Result..........nothing.
Because it's quite unrealistic given human nature.
Now, don't take it personal that she is not as attracted physically to you as maybe he is. That's more human nature. It doesn't mean she doesn't care for you on a number of different planes. But sexually, you're not connecting. That's fine. Matter of fact it's pretty common. I bet you know all sorts of people you either do-or could- care a lot about, but don't feel the sexual chemistry. Or maybe you respect them - and care about them - but have various philosophical differences. That's fine !
Assuming she cares enough about you to allow you and he to continue along and explore the depth, I say go for it. And just keep in mind her role, be kind & respectful and try to meld with both on other levels. It really can work fine !
Is that your "ideal" situation ? Seems not. But things are seldom ideal. So we learn to make the best we can all the while keeping an eye open for situations that may be closer - or an alternative to - that "ideal". It's just how it is.