Today is a good day and after reading D and S posts, I have a mish mash of emotions that I dont understand. For some who have read my post, you know our story and where my frantic search led me to this
Firstly, my connection with D is most puzzling because really I should be hating her and wanting to scratch her eyes out for giving in to S's advances. But after our big meeting, I trully understand why S fell in love with her and I was in tune with her from the beginning. I wanted us to have that meeting so that both S would have a chance to explain to D why he never lied about the future with her all along. I knew she was hurting and cursing him the whole time so this meeting was one way to start our healing. Anyhow, D, I dont and cannot hate you, you are the most lovable person and you are right, my emotions are a jumble. I dont know what I feel from one moment to the next. When I read how intensely and persistent S pursued you, I feel the razor blades (S and D you know what this means) excruciating pain. It feels like Im living the pain of d day all over again and then I start to question my sanity for even considering taking the poly step with you two. I suppose other betrayed women would never imagine what is happening to me but in some of my darkest moments, D ( whose eyes I should be scratching out) is a calm and caring voice. I thank her for that.
S is also more patient and tolerant with my mood swings. He has opened up into someone I never thought he could be- openly affectionate with unguarded sincerity. There is finally a spring in his step after so long which means he was living a tortured existence these past months. He was always so serious and cool and guarded. When I see him kiss and hug D,, I feel soft and warm inside which further confuses me. Shouldnt I be jealous? Shoudlnt I be revolted by the image of the two of them entwined in passion. No I am not. Knowing that S is doing this right in front of me with the same person he had the affair should make me absolutely livid. It doesnt, I am happy for him because I feel deeply that he is happy with D and free to express his love for her. All this is new to my mono wired mind. And yes.. its weird. More weird is that I was scared and nervous before our meeting because I was afraid D would reject S and his explanation for all this. I couldnt bear that thought but I knew it had to be done.
On the bad days... I conjure up images of a future I dont want to contemplate. I know we should be taking each day as it comes and enjoy each other's company but a nagging voice keeps telling me I am crazy. My mono mind takes over and wants to step aside for S and D to have each other. This way, I dont have to feel stuck in the middle between the intense connection they have. I ask myself how S can he love me more and loved me still during the affair? What if the two want to have children later? What if I cant stand this situation and want out? What are we going to tell the kids? I know I know... I should shun away the negative thoughts and focus on the now. I should stop over analyzing and just be! Easier said than done but Im trying to take each day as it comes. Somehow I know what I should be doing, but I just cant help these feelings. For now, we are working on communicating and building the bond between us. S says we should not worry about tomorrow but should we at least voice our expectations of this relationship? I dont want to have nasty surprises to come... I think Ive had a fair dose of those for now..