I'm new here, but have been reading for a few hours and know at least one of you from the mono/poly yahoo group.
i'm really enjoying this thread and so relate to much of it.
jane - "If my fiances girls are poly and love him and others, don't they understand him better then I do then? Why would he not be happier in a relationship where who he is doesn't make his fiance cry?"
i SO relate to this fear, and have cried a bunch about it earlier this year. One thing that helps me is asking R, my beloved partner, if that sounds true to him. The other thing, like Sage said (hi sage!
) is about the self-esteem/letting the love in : i think, if he's choosing you it's because of who you are and i also like to think 1) we're worth the extra 'work' to be with, so that's something! and 2) if we're the only ones being sexually exclusive, among other poly girlfriends, we're giving him something no one else is. And in my case, I know that is valued by him.
I echo lots of the other things that have been shared.
the other piece i want to comment on here is about struggling with the poly - the voice in me that feels terrible or bad about not having an easy peasy time with sharing him. such a harsh voice in me! currently i'm working on this, and i appreciate what others have written about how important it is to accept and love and see as valid all those "struggling emotions".
today i had a little breakthrough with our conselor that sounds a lot like another post (sorry not remembering whose) : this weekend i felt triggered because R stayed up way late reading/talking with K, and i was so angry because i haven't gotten the reading/ face-to-face focus time i want. and then i feel BAD for wanting that or asking him for it, because i'm afraid he'll think i'm just whining and not appreciating all the attention i DO get from him, so then i'm stuck.
today i learned that i can tell him "hey i'm afraid of telling you that i want more of this/that because ___________" and then move onto saying the scary and vulnerable want piece.
i'll have more to say about that soon, but this is getting long!
I have other replies to other pieces and think this is such a juicy topic.