Thread: poly failure
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Old 10-27-2010, 05:31 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Location: New England USA
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Originally Posted by marymary View Post
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i have often been intensely insecure and panicked whenever he has started something with another woman, although up until now they have never developed into the intimate connection he seeks (and said he had with me). i don't think this one has yet, but i think it will (especially now i have stepped aside).

the irony is that it was me that pushed for us to move beyond non-monogamy/open relationship into actual polyamory.

maybe i am just not mature/emotionally intelligent/rational/developed/self-aware/self-confident/sane enough for a poly relationship, or indeed for any kind of relationship.

how does one know?
Hi Mary,

Don't be so hard on yourself !
But, beyond that, it may well be that you need to really learn about a little psychology - especially in regards to relationships.

The biggest trap it seems in relationships is when there come to be "expectations". With expectations comes the fear that those expectations won't be met !

Think about a first date/meeting. It's all new. Everyone is exploring. There may be 'hopes' - but at this point - no 'expectations'. The trick seems to be holding onto this attitude. We're more used to dealing with 'hopes' that don't pan out. Seem to polish that skill pretty early.

'Expectations' are something different. We go to a restaurant. We hope the food will be good. It is. We're happy. We go back - hoping again. Maybe it's good again. We keep going back - and now we EXPECT the food to be good ! But the chef is human too - and sometimes he'll have a bad day. And sometimes he get delivered bad stock. Etc. We are royally ticked ! The food sucked today. We swear we'll never go back there again. And we go around telling everyone we know to avoid the place.

What's wrong here ?

Expectations.

The more you can minimize expectations in a relationship, the more self confident and assured you'll be as an individual. The more you are this way, the better relationships flow. Snowball effect.

I think..............

GS
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