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Old 10-26-2010, 01:58 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

NP Enoki,

I'll accept the slap. I admit to having a tendency to be blunt and direct at times - especially when limited in time (that nasty thing we all fight).

But it seems my point struck home and that's worth something.

Originally Posted by enoki View Post
Yeah - I don't know. Maybe to me polyamory is about taking things at a pace that everyone is comfortable with and working up to "relationships". I didn't think that you could put one definition on the whole thing and say that has to work for everyone. Maybe I should have just used the term "open relationship", because neither of us had even heard of the word Polyamory until I found this website.
There are a LOT of ways to "do poly" we'll grant you, but the one thing that's inescapable is that at the foundation is embracing a true closeness - "love". Therein lies the reason a label (or term) had to come into existence. People have had friends and people have had multiple sex partners since we crawled out of the soup. But we've also discovered we can have that deep connection with more than one person also. So someone chose to assign that a formal term for clarity sake.

Originally Posted by enoki View Post
And one more time to be clear - its not the relationship itself! Its the behaviors of everyone involved. Should these things not progress with everyone's feelings and needs in mind?
Yes and no I think. We should always strive to be kind and loving. That's something to strive for in or out of polyamory - or any life philosophy. But it's a fine line between being kind and being an enabler. Think of a physical therapist. If the patient is ever going to progress and heal, they have to go through some pain. Shielding them from all pain prevents forward progress. How much is enough and how much is too much is an art. That's why we seek outside expertise when we're in doubt.

Originally Posted by enoki View Post
By knowing her place, I think maybe I should have said "knowing her boundaries". Separating his time with her and his time with me, mostly. Their time together and communication was bleeding into time he was spending with me, and because of the lack of time I am able to spend with him already that was a huge issue. And honestly, because of that, I felt that I was in competition with her, for his attention and time. But that issue has also been brought up and steps have been made to alleviate it..
Yep - this is probably THE most common stickpin - especially at first. So it's good you are doing things to educate yourself if you feel this is the lovestyle that you want in your life. Time IS limited ! You have to, as a team, seek a way to balance as best possible. And in this, no one can be 100% satisfied. Just strive for a "it's not perfect - but I can live with it" for everyone concerned.

But try this...............

Instead of letting it fester under the surface, just approach it openly and honestly. Get everyone together and just say "I'm feeling a little left out and unimportant right now. I'm limited in time to spend together and I need that to feel connected. What can WE do to help me with this ?"

Much as you did with us here.

You can do this, but FIRST you have to make sure you truly believe in it.

As SC mentioned, poly is not about only sex. Is that ok with you ? Really ?

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