Originally Posted by redpepper
PN said he had to get some things done and that he didn't know what his time looked like. I become easily frustrated with him when he says things like that and launches into what he needs to do. It was stuff like laundry and ironing, lunches and doing some writing for his blog. I said, "fine, see you later" and decided to put him aside to help Mono. He said, "no wait a minute, I have to think about it." so I suggested he call back when he had.
I get frustrated because to me the things he wanted to do could be done later and that he was trading a bonding experience for laundry etc. He is also much slower than I in everything he does just about and to me all that would take a half hour, not a whole day. I quite often decide to carry on without him when it becomes apparent that his values are different than mine. To me, laundry etc. can be dropped and done later if someone needs help or asks me to do something that makes me feel like I have given of myself. He doesn't see it this way and feels inconvenienced from his routine.
It's not that he wasn't willing to help, it was that it was a surprise and he had already set his mind on the track he was going to take that day and the blinders were already on. Throwing in a change of plans, while not a big deal to you is a big deal to him. It requires shifting gears and re-structuring your whole thought process for the day. The first answer that comes to mind is NO, but once there has been time to think about it and re-evaluate everything it's OK.
My husband learned long time ago (I told him straight out), that I need at least 2 hours lead time to be ok with a change of plans. He used to wait until I got home to tell me we are supposed to go some place and about half the time I sent him without me other times I was grumpy for a good hour.
Funny thing is my mom had not figured this aout about my dad until I pointed it out and they had been married almost 30 years at that point.