I suggested to Mono that maybe he could try relaxing his boundaries around allowing people to help him where his move was concerned and see if PN and the boy wanted to help. It was my opinion that they might want to in order to feel part of the process and in that way have there own process to go through. Mono was hesitant but agreed that I could call and see what they were up to for the day.
I called and asked PN if he would come over to help and that he might find it useful to be part of the move as he hasn't really been involved much all month while Mono painted and did some renos. PN said he had to get some things done and that he didn't know what his time looked like. I become easily frustrated with him when he says things like that and launches into what he needs to do. It was stuff like laundry and ironing, lunches and doing some writing for his blog. I said, "fine, see you later" and decided to put him aside to help Mono. He said, "no wait a minute, I have to think about it." so I suggested he call back when he had.
I get frustrated because to me the things he wanted to do could be done later and that he was trading a bonding experience for laundry etc. He is also much slower than I in everything he does just about and to me all that would take a half hour, not a whole day. I quite often decide to carry on without him when it becomes apparent that his values are different than mine. To me, laundry etc. can be dropped and done later if someone needs help or asks me to do something that makes me feel like I have given of myself. He doesn't see it this way and feels inconvenienced from his routine.
He called back and said he could be free at 2. He would do what he needed to do before hand and would come over then with the boy. We had a discussion for a few minutes about what I mentioned above and how it might be better for us if we just talked about time instead of details around how he uses his time if it triggers me to get frustrated. He agreed and it was a good conversation that moved us forward. The whole time Mono was saying he wished I had never asked!
PN and I drive each other crazy with our endless communication and discussions about how to be with one another. (more to follow)