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Old 10-23-2010, 07:04 AM
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MyotherB MyotherB is offline
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: i am in the Navy, and have been for almost 14 years, therefore my location isAll over the damn place
Posts: 27

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I don't think you need to hold her hand when it comes to HER emotions. They are hers to deal with, not yours... you don't/didn't expect her to look after your emotions to the point of not doing what she felt was the best course of action and that made her feel emotionally healthy do/did you?
Herein lies MY dysfunction. I have known for a long time that I martyr myself for those I love. I protect and enable the frailties in those dear to me, often absorbing hurt to keep them safe. Until recently, I was comfortable in this.
Did I ever expect her to not BE herself to protect me or my feelings? Absolutely not. Nor do I expect that now. That role was mine, as provider and protector. I have been, for some time, the great insulator. I do my best to let her be whatever she needs, but deny myself anything I feel may bring her pain. It is not very masculine (recalling your statement about giving over power, previously) and in the distant past, that sacrafice made me resentful, but it was long ago buried. (Not resolved mind you, although I do not consciously harbor any ill will.)
I was the Knight in Shining Armor. Romantic. Proud. Vain.


Until her first lover, and now P, were introduced, I did not truly grasp that I was unhappy. I smothered myself in her, and she filled the void where my life and friends should have been. I was completely content in her alone. Now she is occasionally removed, and I realize that I have shelved my own needs and desires, and that it is NOT ok. I fully realize that now.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
She has placed you in a situation that is unfair... but you agreed to accept that situation and can now not accept it. You decide who puts you in situations, not anyone else. She doesn't, no one does. If you are not comfortable then it is time to negotiate a change of boundaries.
This is a difficult shift in paradigm for me, but I ackowledge that you are right. I have put myself in this place, and to remove myself will mean conflict, and hurt, and ultimately growth. But the conflict..... I fear it. I avoid such things, to my own detriment. I am more comfortable with maintaining a prejudicial staus quo, than to rock the boat for my own needs.

I am fearful of the results of needing something more than she is ready to give.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
....It's all very well to SAY that you are pocessive over your men, hell I am too, but that doesn't make it okay to allow that to continue. I have to work on that and face my jealousy and issues around that. That is my JOB in my relationships. I don't get to sit here and "own" my men, just because it is hard for me sometimes when they find others to love or be with in a connected way. I would be ashamed of myself for allowing that to continue to exist in me.
I am certain that, if put in that context, B would feel both guilt and shame for trying to "own" me, though I don't believe she does so with malicious intent. She has expressed feeling of guilt for her outside endevours in the past, which I worked hard to quell. If she feels guilt for the current lop-sidedness of our current arrangement, I do not know.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
....she will have to face her fears and you will have to work on that with her without backing down and allowing her emotions to cloud your goals for yourself.
I have not progressed even remotely close to the point where I can prevent her emotions from clouding my judgement. Too long on the other side of the line. Many of the revelations I have had.... they have come in the last 48 hours. Your words are all spot on, I just can't move that fast.
The more you judge, the less you love

The only common thread in all my failed relationships, is ME.
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