Originally Posted by enoki
.......I also don't think I could personally handle being friends with his lover at this point in time. I don't feel secure enough to be with them both at the same time, I don't see me coming out of this any more comfortably, so I have been telling him flat out no. This upsets him, and it starts an argument because he thinks I am being irrational and that all of my problems would be resolved by a mutual discussion.
Because of this I feel like he is not sticking up for me and defending her, which makes me feel like he cares about her more than he cares for our relationship. I know that he thinks I am wrong to feel this way, but instead of leaving me out of his situation and letting me have my opinion or at least some time to let things soak in he is pressuring me to talk about it, which again leads me to think he cares more for how she feels, or at least cares about what I think of her, which again leads me to the place where I feel that he is putting her in front of me.
I guess, in the end, my question for you, internet, is what do I do here? I have been trying to swallow the feelings I have because I recognize that some of them are not warranted, but I cannot.
So do I sit down with both of them? Do I try to reach out to just her? Do I try to convince him to leave me alone for awhile?
I'm sure some of you are friends with your partner's partner, were you able to accomplish that easily, or over time? Am I being irrational, should I take a step back? Or should he generally leave me alone until I feel I am ready to take another step?
I would love some feedback, some personal stories of how you may have handled this, maybe a word of encouragement and even a "get over yourself!" reply.
Thank you for reading!
It all takes time MOST of the time to feel completely comfortable with ones metamours and the fact that ones love loves someone else deeply. It sounds like whatever relationships you have had in the past have not had the same amount of depth and that this woman is a bigger connection for him than you or he have experienced before... I get texts from Mono on dates. I get them from PN and Derby also. We are all very involved because we have a connection that means that this is natural for us... there is no separateness because of it. We are in it together as a result. If you have experienced only seeing and talking to loves at certain times and as a secondary position that is quite firmly less than your husband is to you and you to him I can imagine that that might seem very foreign to you.
No biggy hopefully, there is just some time needed to adjust to this. You can certainly ask for that under the guise of not wanting to blow up and to make sure you are feeling confident when you all come together, but I really think coming together to discuss is the best bet eventually.
As to your concerns about him siding with her, having deeper feelings etc, I think that you might be looking into that a bit too much. He is doing well at keeping you in the loop and keeping on top of his communication. Do you really believe that he isn't thinking of you when he encourages you to talk and get together with her? It sounds to me like he is exited to share his findings about her with you and to encourage you to be apart of his life because he cares and loves you... at least that is what I get anyways.
I think a request for time before a deep conversation about where to go next and some boundaries about texting and time together are in order really... then take it from there once you feel more comfortable and grounded.