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Old 10-23-2010, 06:05 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by MyotherB View Post
I don't disagree that it is hypocritical.

How my actions would make her feel though... how does she control that? I had this talk with a childhood friend, mutual to B and I, earlier this evening. She, like just about everyone that we are "out" to have expressed the same concern that you have, that B has placed me in a position that is unfair.
I agreed to remain monogamous because I felt no need for anyone else, at the time. I'm still uncertain that I need an emotional (romantic?) connection outside of B. I know for certain that I need to find new or re-kindle platonic relationships. But these needs were not apparent at the time. Honestly, they were not apparent until very, very recently.
She is very possesive of her men. She recognizes this as a fault, has stated so, and has expessed a desire to learn to lessen her jealousy. Would my pursuit of another expedite her growth toward that goal? Perhaps. Is exploring what a relationship outside our marriage might hold for me important enough to me to push her boundaries? Not yet. I do not think she is ready.
I don't think you need to hold her hand when it comes to HER emotions. They are hers to deal with, not yours... you don't/didn't expect her to look after your emotions to the point of not doing what she felt was the best course of action and that made her feel emotionally healthy do/did you?

She has placed you in a situation that is unfair... but you agreed to accept that situation and can now not accept it. You decide who puts you in situations, not anyone else. She doesn't, no one does. If you are not comfortable then it is time to negotiate a change of boundaries. That does not stand still in poly or in any relationship, it changes over time and needs to change to accommodate who we become.

It's all very well to SAY that you are pocessive over your men, hell I am too, but that doesn't make it okay to allow that to continue. I have to work on that and face my jealousy and issues around that. That is my JOB in my relationships. I don't get to sit here and "own" my men, just because it is hard for me sometimes when they find others to love or be with in a connected way. I would be ashamed of myself for allowing that to continue to exist in me.

You should go and do what you need to to grow I think, see what it is that would make your life better and more emotionally comfortable and enjoyable... she will have to face her fears and you will have to work on that with her without backing down and allowing her emotions to cloud your goals for yourself. You have one life to live and it is all yours to live. You know best as to when you intend to break out of the mold she has cast you in,,, but starting to talk about it and strategize might be the best bet before actually doing anything or beginning to connect with others on a level that is more intimate than you might have done before discovering poly.
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