Originally Posted by Vexxed
I have a desire for my partner to tell me as much as she is willing about what she finds attractive and enjoys about her other boyfriend. I feel that this would help me to accept things for the way they are. I keep wondering and contemplating. I feel like I'm resisting, and that I would stop resisting and accept my place in her life if I knew more.
One other benefit that I think would occur is that if she were to reveal what she enjoys about him it would increase the intimacy between us. I'd like to be treated as a dear friend, and be given the chance to be excited for her as a friend would be. Instead, I feel that she tries to protect me by not telling me what she really thinks. I haven't approached her with this broad question yet. I feel that I've learned over time that this would help me. Nevertheless, she doesn't opt to tell me on her own. So, I feel that she tries to protect me by not telling me what she really thinks.
I know that I would feel some jealousy about the things that she would tell me, but I would like to try to face each issue and find a comfortable place of acceptance after I knew the facts. Well, that's what I would like to try.
Are you interested in knowing more about your partner's feelings for others? Do you agree with my reasoning on this?
I haven't read what others have said and will post again if there is anything to add after I have, but I wanted to respond right away as this is what we talked about at our poly meeting last night. The topic was intimacy and we ended up talking about everything from "don't ask don't tell policies (DADT)," "two much information (TMI)," and our experiences of shared info and how it brings intimacy to our lives or not. We talked about how DADT can reduce intimacy for some or keep intimacy going, how people not wanting details effects us if we want to share and some stories of what different partners are willing to share and what others aren't; how to work that out between each other. All very interesting.
What I got out of the discussion in regards to what your story is that it might be important to talk about what the boundaries are and what information means to you both. Some people find that giving too much information decreases intimacy and is disrespectful to both of their partners. Some don't want to hear too much information because they find it too close for comfort and like they are being convinced or being privy to something that is not their information to know. Others like the dirty details and get off on them with or without their partner. There are those that like to share all the fun and excitement they feel every step of the way because their emotions make them want to relay the story of their experiences and it is exciting to relive the story again in the telling of it.
It seems that to understand what person you are in this and what person you are with the person you are talking to is important... I don't tell PN anything about Mono and my sex life or personal details that only he and I share. I don't like to and I don't think he likes to hear it. Sometimes though he likes to know more than I am willing to share because I don't want to hurt him. I find most of the time expressing how I feel about people is far more important than the details for what we did.
Mono I tell just about everything too, but only after I am certain of what I am saying and how I say it. I came back from coffee with someone once ad was really excited about the re-connect we had had and it didn't go over well. He knew I had had a crush on this person and while there was a bit of that still lingering, I was much more grateful to re-connect with them after several years than think about the crush. Mono read this as me crushing out and that I wanted to have them as a partner, explore sexual things with them and that we were essentially done because it would be breaking our agreement. I'm much more careful now to go over in my head first what it is I want to say and convey first, whereas with PN I can say just about anything at that point.