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Old 10-23-2010, 02:41 AM
natalie natalie is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 5
Default considering married BF

OK. I've been lurking around and I like the discussions on here so I would really like to try to get some insight or comments from you guys.

A lot of posts I see are already married people, in established relationships considering something/working through something.

What if you're the new person though?

I'm in my 20s but I kind of have 'little' experience with dating. I've been in a non-physical relationship with someone for a few years (basically, we were best friends but he just really really wanted the label of BF) and we broke up a few months ago. So I've had a very boring past. Now I've really fallen for this guy that is married (and open).

He's been in an open marriage for a long time, but claims now, he wants it to just be me and his wife.

A lot of my hesitance is that I don't believe you can go from a "free" life to controlling yourself (if he's used to hooking up with whoever he wants at parties or during traveling..) how can he keep it to just 2 people? Especially if we'll only see eachother a few times a year (and that's being hopeful)

And he's also just.. really physical (from what I gather hes been in group situations, 4somes, says he's a voyeur etc) And I'm reeeeeeally inexperienced. I'm afraid the new physical things added onto to knowledge that we're not "really together" will be too much for me.

His wife has a "bf," yet he is married and they don't see eachother often. I text my friend everyday, and if we don't for a few hours- its a bit strange and he has even commented he feels bad when he doesnt talk to me much during our day.

This guy says his dream is for us to live together- I'm not sure I can do that much. But because of how much I like him, and its torturing me not being able to hang out, I could see myself at least moving closer to him (just living on my own)

BUT I have not met his wife yet, I might soon, however it will probably be brief. I am visiting him, but she just happened to have a lot of things going on that weekend she cant change.

Sometimes I feel a twinge of jealousy when he talks about her, sometimes I am intrigued about being in his life with her.. but I've never dealt with this before, and I know thinking about it will be different than actually interacting with the 2 of them.


Right now its mostly talk. He calls me his girlfriend, but I dont really feel like it. I worry that when I visit him, physical things will happen before I find out if I am ok being his "second person." Since his wife won't be around much for me to see how a life hanging out with them would go.

Should I hold off on being physical? I'm afraid it will just make me fall for him way more than I can deal with, being long distance, and knowing and I can't talk about "my boyfriend" with anyone, and being bummed I am so far while he lives with his wife.

Because I am so worried, does this mean a poly relationship is not for me?
Does anyone have stories of when they FIRST started. What should you not do in the beginning? I am so worried I'm not what he wants, or his wife won't like me, or I will just be overwhelmed with awkward, hurt, or worry =/

Also, have any of you gone from an open relationship (anyone, anytime, etc, enjoying the variety of people you can be with) to stopping and committing to two people? Did you miss a larger-open life? I don't understand how someone can be used to having permission to be with whoever and then want to stop to be with just 2 people. (especially if one isnt near him enough to fullfill whatever he wants)

Thanks for reading, really hoping for some opinions and your own experiences if they relate!
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