Frustrations and Dreams
How can one go along just fine for weeks, even months and then bam hit a brick wall. I have been crying nonstop all day. And I don't know why really. My stress level has hit sky high. It has just felt like lately I have been trying with all I have to make sure people feel taken care and listened to. And I have been working very hard at taking everything I have learned about polyamory and putting it to use but with no success. I try compersion and no one wants it. I try communications and people would rather talk to others about what is wrong than the person they are having the problem with. I understand needing to vent and I am always here to be a shoulder but I am pretty sure I have learned on this board that in the end open communication is the key to any good open relationship. And secrets have no place, they just cause tension and hurt. J reads up on all this stuff just fine. But I wish the guys would keep up just as much.
I understand if someone did research before. But refresher courses never hurt. Isn't this how we learn to manage how we feel and to learn to forgive each other and find ways to continue to love each other. Isn't the whole point of polyamory to let love grow and evolve. So why does it have to involve so much pain and misunderstandings and fights and oh good grief I don't know what else.
I was brought into a world I didn't want. I never asked to be involved in a polyamorous relationship. It was decided for me. But instead of walking away I stayed and I learned and I opened my mind and made myself extremely vulnerable. I have come to accept this life and love the people who are in it don't get me wrong. But now it feels like I am the only one doing the talking and pushing to keep things together. I know deep down this isn't true but I look around me and I see people walking away from each other. I see frustrations and headphones and smoking and insecurities not being worded correctly but instead hurting people when they are explained. Ugh!
Ok I know I am stressed here. I have been working non stop all week. I miss my daughter like crazy. I feel like I am loosing all of my family, my husband and J and her family. I feel like I am loosing myself. I am constantly worried about everyone and I know I know, I need to worry about myself but that is not who I am. If I am not worried about the people in my life I get scared about what happens if I don't worry about them, are they going to think I don't care anymore. Its a frustrating cycle. Plus I am getting over a cold amongst other issues.
When I get completely overwhelmed I have nightmares. Sometimes, and this is a rare occasion, but sometimes I end up in such a bad nightmare my husband has to wake me up. So I am going to share my nightmare from last night because I can't get it off my mind and maybe typing it out will help.
"DH and I are standing on opposite sides of a balance beam looking at each other. He is smoking a cigarette. (He doesn't smoke in real life and neither do I.) Then J walks up to stand beside the balance beam, also smoking. (She does smoke in real life.) Then the rest of her family walks up and surrounds us, all smoking. Including her kids who are all young (none of them smoke in real life). I notice the only one missing is my two year old daughter. And I start looking around for her frantically. I can't seem to find her. And then a cloud of smoke starts rising around me and it becomes very hard to see. Next thing I knew I loose my balance and start falling into nothingness screaming while everyone is just watching me fall. I knew I needed to wake up but couldn't. That was when my DH had to pull me awake because I was having a fit."
Any dream interpreters have at it. I am sure it is a fun one for you Freudian fans out there.
I just am owning it up to my stress has hit breaking point. But I know me. My worries won't stop here. I am just frustrated and am trying so hard to make sure my loved ones know how much I care about them.
J and I have talked alot of this through today. She has already confirmed that they are all working on everything just as hard as I am and I know that they are. I am just feeling well like I have lost my balance right now. I do this sometimes. And here once I am over this I will be fine again. I just hate these times. I feel like I am letting every one down and risking loosing everyone and every thing when I hit bottom like this.