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Old 10-22-2010, 02:58 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,703

Originally Posted by MyotherB View Post
Is it strange that I want permission to seek a relationship outside my marriage even though I'm not adamant about pursuing said relationship?? Does this mean I'm not really Mono, or does this mean I just can't handle the poly dynamic?
Would it be unfair of me to tell my wife she can't see someone that can't handle the 3 of us together? What if I ask her instead of "tell her" (since I've laid down the law maybe 2 times in our 20 year relationship ) and she tells me to suck it up?
Sorry, I haven't read anyone elses posts here, but I wanted to respond right away.. Sorry if there is any repeat.

You don't need to ask "permission" to do anything in a relationship really, but it would come across as untrusting to expect her to ask for permission to do things, so why would you need permission. It would seem to me that you are handing over your power if you were my husband and that would make me feel very uncomfortable. I would prefer that you discuss with me the boundaries around your venturing out to have another relationship rather than ask if its okay to.

Definitions of who you are are not really the issue here I don't think. Just do what your heart says is the right move and then check in with your partner to make sure her heart will be okay if you move forward.. again, negotiate.

Telling anyone what to do doesn't seem to work out all that great really. I think that perhaps it might be better to discuss what could come of her relationships. The fact of the matter is that it just seems to make things easier when everyone can be relaxed and comfortable when they hang out. Its a noble goal to achieve, but it could take time and patience... give it time, be patient, it's really her decision who she decides to continue dating. Chances are if it becomes too uncomfortable for her to be with him because her need for all of you to hang out sometimes is not met over and over again then it will die down and he will not become anyone particularly close to her.
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