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Old 10-21-2010, 10:38 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by enoki View Post
I was a bit worried that I shouldn't really ask these questions because a lot of people on this messageboard seem to have their act together a LOT more than me.
Most of them are the way they are because they have had to go through situations similar to what you describe, and have learned from the trainwrecks...

Quote:
Originally Posted by enoki View Post
The only way that I can be assured that things have been resolved the way I want is to express my feelings myself.
Exactly - and if he is there to hear it, then he can get an accurate picture of this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by enoki View Post
I am worried though. I am not a malicious or mean person, but I do get very hot headed. I do feel that there is a risk of blowing this up. I also have a problem with expressing how I feel to her because I feel like I would be having to "explain" myself to her as if I am the one who is wrong.
Then I would suggest making the discussion not a free-for-all but a little more structured, with each having the chance to speak their mind without being interrupted, and others then asking for clarification on points that they may not fully understand. This shouldn't be about laying blame for what happened, merely trying to establish a future where the upsetting actions do not take place, with everyone knowing why.

Quote:
Originally Posted by enoki View Post
Maybe the bigger issue is that since they are so comfortable with the way things were between them that they are inadvertently making me feel like I am in "the wrong".
You are not comfortable with how things are. Were you consulted on these aspects? Were they agreed to by all involved? Does everyone have an equal voice?

It sounds like (and please correct me if I am wrong) there was no discussion at the start of this to find out how everyone could be comfortable - assumptions about comfort levels were made which turned out to be wrong.


Quote:
Originally Posted by enoki View Post
There is no real wrong or right here, just agreements on what works for everyone, but I cannot shake the idea that they are looking on at me as "the wrong one".
That may be just you being worried and not have anything to do with how they feel. That would be something to voice - a concern about how they feel. If they truly feel that you were in the wrong, try to calmly get them to talk about things you did or said (or didn't do or say) that they felt were "wrong" - don't try to defend yourself, but ask them clarifying questions as to why they felt it was wrong, and what they would have done under similar circumstances.

Quote:
Originally Posted by enoki View Post
If I am brought under scrutinization for this during the conversation it might trigger some bad feelings in me and make everything go sour.
If this is done right then everyone will be under a similar amount of scrutinization from the perspective of understanding where people are coming from. You need to keep a degree of "looking at yourself" and monitoring when you feel things might be hitting a "boiling point" for you, and ask to take a break so that you can cool off.

Quote:
Originally Posted by enoki View Post
What you both did though is help me to see further that there is no "wrong", only what works. I wish I could get more of an affirmation from the two of them on this as well.
Either the three of you are working on this relationship as a team or not. If you are, then the views of each are important. If not, then things are destined to stay very difficult.

I really think you have to try to get the three of you feeling like "we're all in this together" - whatever that takes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by enoki View Post
CielDuMatin, I would love to hear anything else you have to say.
Yeah, that was your first mistake!

The other thing that I would suggest, if things are really looking like they are going bad because of the communication dynamic, is to find a professional relationship counsellor who can help you each work through your "stuff" individually and then together.
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