Thank you both for replying. I was a bit worried that I shouldn't really ask these questions because a lot of people on this messageboard seem to have their act together a LOT more than me.
I am really grateful for the advice you both gave me. You're both absolutely right. I am wrestling with a lot of rage over the situation even though it has been resolved, and I shouldn't be putting all the pressure on my husband to deal with it.
I think reading these replies made me kind of realize that I do need to talk to her, regardless of if it involves him. I know that he spoke to her on my behalf but I cannot shake the feeling that he worded things softer than I felt it should have been expressed, or twisted things around to make her feel more comfortable with what I had to say. I also am in full belief that he made me look a bit looney in order to stay in better form with her. The only way that I can be assured that things have been resolved the way I want is to express my feelings myself.
I am worried though. I am not a malicious or mean person, but I do get very hot headed. I do feel that there is a risk of blowing this up. I also have a problem with expressing how I feel to her because I feel like I would be having to "explain" myself to her as if I am the one who is wrong.
Maybe the bigger issue is that since they are so comfortable with the way things were between them that they are inadvertently making me feel like I am in "the wrong". There is no real wrong or right here, just agreements on what works for everyone, but I cannot shake the idea that they are looking on at me as "the wrong one". If I am brought under scrutinization for this during the conversation it might trigger some bad feelings in me and make everything go sour.
What you both did though is help me to see further that there is no "wrong", only what works. I wish I could get more of an affirmation from the two of them on this as well.
CielDuMatin, I would love to hear anything else you have to say. The more I hear from other people the more I am able to rationalize my situation. Its hard, as I'm sure a lot of you know, to talk to your monogamous friends about a situation like this, and apparently harder to talk to your spouse when things get rough sometimes!!