Should I be with the third wheel? Or should he get over it?
My husband and I have been together for five years, married for one, and from the beginning we agreed that we would have a polyamorous relationship, without question. We have both had relations with other people over the last few years.
My husband has become involved with another lady (who is also married), and its proven to be a bit more than I am able to handle this time because they are also close friends. They also work together so they see each other probably more if not the same as he sees me. My jealousy trigger is not so much sexual relations, but emotional attachments.
I've met her and hung out with her several times over the last two months, and I honestly didn't have anything against her, personally, until I discovered communication between the two that I feel was disrespectful to MY relationship. With the way she was speaking to him I feel that she had crossed a line that out of respect no one should ever cross, though I realize as I read other entries in this message board that line is very circumstantial and varies from couple to couple. She has also been slightly stalking him and sending him text messages basically every day all day, even when him and I are on date night or hanging out alone.
I did speak to my husband about this (we have very good communication and I am very lucky to have that with him). However, in his mind, she did not really cross any line. We discussed some more about how we were both feeling about it and he agreed to ask her to stop out of respect for my wishes, and according to him, she agreed to. I told him that hopefully over time this will help me to feel more comfortable with the situation and that I do not want to stand in the way of having what he has with her, but they are getting too close, too fast.
In response to all of this he has told me before and told me again that she understands her place, and she will do what she has to in order to make me feel comfortable with the situation.
Now he is asking me to sit down and talk to them both to try to alleviate some of the negative feelings I have for her. Though I see what could benefit from this but I also see disaster happening, I only see me yelling at the two of them. I also don't think I could personally handle being friends with his lover at this point in time. I don't feel secure enough to be with them both at the same time, I don't see me coming out of this any more comfortably, so I have been telling him flat out no. This upsets him, and it starts an argument because he thinks I am being irrational and that all of my problems would be resolved by a mutual discussion.
Because of this I feel like he is not sticking up for me and defending her, which makes me feel like he cares about her more than he cares for our relationship. I know that he thinks I am wrong to feel this way, but instead of leaving me out of his situation and letting me have my opinion or at least some time to let things soak in he is pressuring me to talk about it, which again leads me to think he cares more for how she feels, or at least cares about what I think of her, which again leads me to the place where I feel that he is putting her in front of me.
I guess, in the end, my question for you, internet, is what do I do here? I have been trying to swallow the feelings I have because I recognize that some of them are not warranted, but I cannot.
So do I sit down with both of them? Do I try to reach out to just her? Do I try to convince him to leave me alone for awhile?
I'm sure some of you are friends with your partner's partner, were you able to accomplish that easily, or over time? Am I being irrational, should I take a step back? Or should he generally leave me alone until I feel I am ready to take another step?
I would love some feedback, some personal stories of how you may have handled this, maybe a word of encouragement and even a "get over yourself!" reply.
Thank you for reading!