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Old 10-20-2010, 11:48 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
This is kind of off-topic for this thread (and maybe the mods could split this to a seperate topic), so...

@QM: I would advise against doing something out of spite or to "test" your partner - down that road lies all sorts of ruin.

But if the two of you have agreed that your relationship will allow others in and if you want to meet up with this person and think you would enjoy spending some time with someone, then why not?

Have the two of you talked about boundaries at all? Things like safer sex expectations, and things like that? (and I don't just mean for you, but for him too)

The gut feeling I have from reading your posts is that things are kind of spiralling out of control in your relationship right now, that you don't know where you stand and that maybe just adding more chaos into the mix won't actually solve anything.

Mono/poly can work out if that is what each partner wants. If it is dictated by one of the partners ("I can have more than one, but you're not allowed to") then that tends to lead to bad feelings of unfairness.

I believe that part of the growing process is very much understanding what you do and don't want for yourself. The next step is to communicate it to the partner that you love and have made a commitment to. This is hard when worlds suddenly start opening up and you don't really know what you want, but then the process should be one that the couple take together, rather at odds with each other.

For me, I tend to like things to go slower, making sure that everyone is OK, before anything else is undertaken.
I'm not sure what you want split off Ceil... maybe you could start a thread yourself?

Mono poly relationships take more work than any other I think... it's a HUGE job and in no way is anyone bad, wrong, copping out if they don't want to do it and just can't grasp why they should, but I am a bit wary of putting the blame on him entirely. There are plenty of men that want more than one woman and struggle with them having another man in their lives... its called a one penis policy (OPP) it sounds like this has been his take in the past for you. Now that he understands that one can love more than one, he wants you to know he has changed his opinion and wants you to have the same thing... trouble is that he is struggling to actually put that into practice.

really, you have every right to not chose this path, but you may be missing out on some huge lessons in deciding that. Your pain is valid and part of a process to get to a point of comfort.... the process is full of self discovery and can bring you to a place that you didn't know existed with in you... a place of loving more and accepting others more, including yourself. this doesn't mean you have to be poly, but it means that you will be independent yet merged with people who love you entirely and for everything you are... you will love them also for what they bring to your life.

If I were in your situation I would start reading, promoting his reading also. Start talking about what you read together. Find stories and situations that are similar to yourselves and follow them through to see what people have learned and how they have come to where they are today... not all of them end well, but some do. What do you have to lose? You could leave a 4 year relationship, that would be a loss, or you could learn something. You could still find that your relationship ends, but at least you will have learned something.

Your man sounds like he is in his NRE stage of his relationship. Maybe start with a search on here by looking at tags and stickies to see what you come up with. There is a lot to look at... then you could look at mono/poly tags... also a lot...

I would suggest not throwing the baby out with the bath water just yet. It sounds to me like there could be more to be gained by seeing what you discover.
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-20-2010 at 11:54 PM.
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