She might be comfortable with a DADT policy and if that is so then that is fine, it just sounds a little concerning that they aren't interested in you knowing him. To me it says something about who you are to her and who he is if she doesn't want you to meet. It makes me think that she is content in her escapism when she goes to his house and that she has one foot out of her reality.
Sometimes when metamours meet they discover that the whole thing is real. It sounds to me that this guy might be living in a fantasy world also. This might move you all forward into the future and what arrangements you could have that would work for all..
I would suggest that a conversation about what she intends and what you intend from her relationship and your future is in order. It doesn't sound like you know what she has planned or what plans they have made, if any, for a future. That is not to say that they have to have a plan and that this has to be a serious long term thing, but you have a family and she is your wife, usually those two things come along with a life plan that you share together... how does he fit in, if at all. If there are big plans for them, then shouldn't you know them? If they have plans, would that not include you? Would you not have a right to know the person that is intent on being in your wifes life for the long haul?
Ray is right, you don't have to be best buds, but at some point acknowledging what is going on here would have to happen. Metamours defining their relationship is the foundation of a long term poly arrangement I think.... that has to start with meeting.
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