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Old 10-20-2010, 03:15 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,443

I wanted to wait until I had more details, but I feel I can't really hold it anymore...

So, I have feelings for a man I call my interest. I started feeling that way around March and that's why I joined the forum. I've developed deeper and stronger feelings for him throughout. However he is very busy and things kept getting in the way of us getting closer: I had to cancel a trip due to immigration reasons, he moved away in September, things like that.

Well yesterday I was talking on the forums where we met with a friend we have in common, and she told me that the trip I missed taking (where I had fantasized about meeting him, hooking up and so on), well basically SHE did. She also made it clear she doesn't want to share.

It's a bit weird. It hit me so hard. I felt devastated. I'm happy for him but also feeling really bad about the whole situation. I'm very grateful for the support I got from my husband and boyfriend, who help make it a bit easier. But mostly, it still seems unreal, and not true. Like no, that hasn't actually happened. I keep remembering it, like I forget then remember several time in the span of a minute. It's very weird.

The situation is weird too. Basically she sent me a PM asking if I had cyber-sex with him, because although I'm poly, she's not and would very much mind. I replied that I didn't, although I had been after him since March, and what did she meant she minded, were they a couple?
To which she said they were, and that she'd tell me everything because she was dying to talk about it, and to keep it a secret.

Sean pointed out that it's weird for someone to randomly ask someone else "is my boyfriend cheating on me with you?" and that it means she either doesn't trust him, or they haven't stated they're being exclusive. Also, he was there at the trip in question and says his impression was that she was dragging him around and he was following reluctantly.
He insisted that he's not just trying to cheer me up, he's just very doubtful over the whole thing. As far as he's concerned, they either had a fling that she sees as something bigger, or she's just plain lying.

I wouldn't go that far, but I'm very curious about what she'll have to tell me. I wanted to wait after then before I talked about it, but I do feel the need to talk about it, and since she's asked me to keep it quiet, I can't really talk about it to any friends who also know her or him...
I did tell my husband and boyfriend, but both had to deal with me crying, I wasn't about not to tell them what was going on.

I also find it weird that after I told her I've been in love with the guy for basically 8 months, she's still very enthusiastic about sharing every single detail. While I'm glad because I'd rather know, she's not sending a very compassionate vibe there.
I'm also slightly bitter because she did say about... I think four months ago, maybe more, that she wouldn't go after the guy and that I "could have him". While I do believe she genuinely wasn't interested in him at the time, and I can see how such promises aren't that easy to keep, I resent her for not even acknowledging it, since I did mention it to her and she just ignored it. I feel she should at least take responsibility for that or something.

Right now, I have to admit, I'm just feeling weird about the whole thing. I'd rather have him happy than not, and if he has a gf I'd rather it be someone who can give me insider information rather than it staying completely unknown. I'm also pretty much out of touch with him by now and that would be a way to stay in touch. And finally, I have to say I am still hoping. I'm thinking maybe a few years from now they might split up, or be willing to open up or something. I have no doubt I'll still be in love with him then, so my worry is simply, will I have the opportunity to stick around? It's very easy for people to kick you out of their lives when your only contacts are through the Internet.
Also, I say I'm still hoping, but I'm not planning on pushing it. I'd be extremely satisfied being "just friends". I might discuss her boundaries and see if she would be okay with something along the lines of a non-sexual girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, or a close friendship, or something.
Of course, the way he feels about the whole thing will be the most important. I'm waiting to hear back from her with more on the story, then I'll contact him to tell him congrats on being with her, and I hope they're happy, or something along those lines.

So yeah, big news for me... I'm surprised how in some ways it changes everything, and in some ways it changes nothing. A lot of pain and "what if" and "if only", but also a lot of positive things as well, somehow. I'm definitely glad I'm not going through this alone.
Me: 32F, straight
Seamus: My husband, 33M, straight
Fox: My boyfriend, 30M, homoflexible
Dragon: Fox's husband (and my ex), 30M, pansexual
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