Thanks for all your responses.
Fundamentally I have come to believe that poly (including mono/poly) relationships are just like any other but maybe on steroids?
I get the "delicate balance" but maybe as women we are programmed by society to be selfless because that is what makes a "good woman"? I don't know maybe that is a generational thing and is changing. My mother was a certainly a passive- aggressive doormat and I became the same thing.
For me I could never create the delicate balance with my husband because the underlying emotion base was not healthy. With Z I wanted to give too much because the emotional base has always been really healthy. His being poly has shown me I can't give more than I'm capable of coping with and that's OK. My accepting his poly, has helped him not to feel like a freak. We were even able to have a rational discussion about it all with my daughter last night.
Really, really great to have you back MG. I hope this thread can be used for polys struggling with monos too. Not all of us want a protected space. Some of us like wild and free debate.