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Old 10-19-2010, 06:09 AM
whimsey whimsey is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Coastal BC
Posts: 19

Thanks guys,

It's been a hard couple of days...we're doing okay right now, but have realized that my definition of reassurance is extremely different from his. And that he didn't feel he was supposed to do anything above and beyond what I explicitly asked for...checking in periodically (and he admits he blew that one). And reassurance, but somehow, I emphasized that when he got home I'd likely be really needy (which is true), and he took that to mean that I'd be fine when he was away.

I think I'm being fair in summing it up that way. expectations were higher than that - that he might spontaneously reach out and check in and reassure me while he was gone, outside those set times, and in a more emotional manner - his texts were very spare and matter of fact...

And I don't know if I can ascribe blame, though part of me is. Because I feel that if keeping our relationship is important, and healing it is important, that it would be obvious to err on the side of over-the-top, just a bit. And he never even considered it and seemed surprised when it came up.

That's a quick, nutshell summary...

There are issues he is trying to work through with his girlfriend. The idea that I reached out to her is really uncomfortable, I think. And she has a lot of her own stuff going on. She's withdrawn, which makes it a bit easier for me, obviously. He's hurting though, and so I'm hurting for him. And I'm hyper aware of not getting falsely comfortable in her not being in the day to day picture. We're actually talking a lot right now, he and I, and I'm trying to get an idea of what is hopes are, short and long term in regards to her. He can't control what she does and what she chooses, but what he would like to see happen.

And that causes some big ouches, and it sting, but it's good to be clear.
It's someplace to begin.

I could so easily go there. I am hurt and pissed but I am trying, right now, to be as proactive as I can. And I agree with you on his choices, plain and simple. I could tip so easily sometimes...and I have.
I occasionally do lose my cool and I do call him on things, and sometimes we fight and its ugly, and sometimes he takes it and doesn't get defensive, and we go somewhere with it. And I know that is not at all the best way to communicate. But sometimes, right now, I think it is only when I lose it (because I really am exceedingly level for the most part) - it is only when I go a little crazy that he really sees how important what I am saying is. So I think we need to figure out a way to get the hard stuff across with out histrionics or meltdowns...

We have a lot to learn about communicating and relating to each other....

One more thing...
It has been pointed out that I didn't perhaps portray the weekend accurately, in that them meeting this past weekend was my idea. They had made plans and then pulled back, so it wasn't a new idea. I didn't expect them to meet for nearly so long - I originally somehow thought he'd be home early afternoon, not 10:00 pm and was clear about that and that is part of where I feel steamrolled. Because of ferries, if they went to the show, he'd have to stay the night. I thought they should meet but felt they should not go to one of the hotels together, or be physical, even kissing. That they should have the chance to meet in person before 9 days in the big city. None of that made it past my opening salvo, really...

But to be completely fair, it was my idea that they meet, to see if I , and they, could make it work.

It was very much a trial and the results...well, you saw them...

But we are talking a lot now, so that is something...something good.
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