Hello, I introduced myself in this thread: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3998
I'd just like to do a bit of writing, I wasn't entirely sure if it should go here or in the 'new to polyamory' section, but since I would like a dedicated thread just to write about my experiences it seemed to me that here was more appropriate.
Yesterday I was talking to a friend about the new girl in our lives. She was telling me its all very weird, etc. Asked how I'd feel if my boyfriend slept with her when I wasn't there. I said that'd already happened. Both of them have way higher sex drives than me and I don't always _want_ to be involved, and sometimes she stays over on nights where I've got work in the morning and have to leave, I know on those days they'll usually sleep together. She is very shocked, says she could never deal with that. I told her I'm not in that way jealous. I'd be feeling upset in a situation if at the same time as he grew emotionally closer to her he grew distant to me, but that isn't happening, and besides, the boyfellow knows me well enough to be especially attentive/caring towards me.
She disappears, and then a few moments later one of my oldest friends who the girl I'd been talking to lives with gets online to talk to me. She was obviously upset, and the whole prospect of this relationship structure upsets her. She said it made her feel uncomfortable, and that she was trying not to be obnoxious or judgmental. She wouldn't mind if it was just sex, and she'd thought that it had just been flirting/sex gut was really uncomfortable that emotions are involved in this. I asked her if she could explain why she was feeling judgy/uncomfortable. She said she's never been keen on a guy with multiple girlfriends because it strikes her as chauvinistic and degrading. I tried to soothe those discomforts by explaining the relationships. That my boyfriend isn't forming relationships with multiple women, while we women aren't forming relationships of our own. I gave my perspective that aspects of it _are_ sexist because my boyfriend is uncomfortable with either of us being with other men - but that I've always dealt with that in relationships because I've always been allowed to sleep with other women but not men. The sexism there had never bothered her. She said that was just sex, and it was different. I tried to tell her how cool the girl is, explained traits about her my friend would know to understand means 'compatible with me' and how the relationship isn't authoritarian in the way that some mormon with multiple wives might be.
She said she didn't know what she'd achieved by voicing her discomfort, that she shouldn't have said anything. I said I was not happy she was uncomfortable, but not hurt or offended. It took me a little while before grasping that I was hurt though.
It felt like sudden judgment was coming out of nowhere. She's seen some pretty interesting things relationship-wise. She's slept with a huge amount more people than me, guys, girls, threesomes etc. She knows all my previous relationship and sexual issues, she knows me _incredibly_ well. I don't know, she's been one of my oldest friends. I never expected her to give me negative judgment - I'd have thought she'd have supported me. She was being about as respectful as she could be, but, yeah. I feel a little hurt. Its probably the suddenness of it. One moment I'm having a nice conversation with her housemate the next my best friend is being suddenly judgey where I never thought she would be.
I am feeling a little hurt now. Not a lot. I think having a non-MSN conversation might help, but I don't know just how uncomfortable she feels. Perhaps it wouldn't help. :/