What an interesting two weeks it's been.
Last weekend, we all spent the night at a friend's cabin, and we spent some time reconnecting. I thought it was great, even if later in the week I felt a twinge as I watched Sunday and Asha cuddling and wished that I could cuddle, too.
This weekend, we took the entire large family to a corn maze. It's an all-day event in an out-of-town location, with the eight of us packed into one car for hours on end. Considering the stress a trip like that can put on people, it was a really lovely trip! Even Moose was good all day long, allowing small children to climb all over him and keeping a generally good attitude the whole time. The only time we had a problem with his attitude was when I had to talk to him about playing too rough with his sister, and then he just took himself to the side until he was feeling less angry. I was so proud that he was being so mature. Monkey was a huge help with Rockstar, keeping an eye on him so the adults could finish lunch and going on rides with him. I enjoyed watching Asha and Monkey bonding--Monkey really looks up to Asha. Monkey snapped up the pumpkin that Asha picked out for her. Much fun was had by all, I think.
I'm happy and hopeful that Moose can continue to feel more like a part of the large family, and stop keeping himself separate. He doesn't think that he needs the extra support, but I see it as a huge help for his future. Easy worked really hard this weekend to pay attention to me and to make sure I felt loved.
A downside to my weekend was that I continue to feel like I don't fit in this dynamic--Asha and Easy are so alike, and it usually feels like Sunday works hard not to have anything in common with me. Sunday and Asha belong together, I know, but sometimes I feel like Easy and Asha belong together, too. I also keep having dreams that no one wants me in the group. I don't feel like a part of the whole. I don't exactly know what to do about it or how to fix it.
I tried to flirt with Sunday a bit, only to be pushed away. I don't even know if he knows he's doing it. But I did have a few minutes of wondering why I even tried. I mean, I spent so many years of my marriage to Easy being pushed away. Putting up with it for so long damaged my self-esteem and made me want to walk out on the marriage. Why am I signing up for more of the same? I need to stop hitting my head on the brick wall, but I don't seem to be able to stop myself. Maybe I'm doing it because giving up on Sunday feels like giving up on the large family. Maybe I just desperately want to believe him when he tells me he loves me.