Struggling to breath....
Hi, I found this site after frantically looking for answers about our situation. Im 37, married 12 years with S 41 and 2 kids ( 8 and 11). Two weeks ago, I found out that S had an affair for 9 months. The other woman was an employee working with both of us as S's 25 yr old assistant. I have always had a funny feeling that S was attracted to this woman but he often brushed it off and assured me that he loved me and would never betray me.
After I found out about the affair, he said he felt relieved that it was out in the open and he could finally tell me how tortured he has been the past months. The reason he had the affair was that he developed a strong feeling for this woman which he could not explain and at the same time continued to love me. According to him, this woman had a strong effect on him on a spiritual plane with a kind of "pure" energy that revitalises and calms as well.Just by touching her, he would feel a current running through him to his very core. This really devastated me and I thought perhaps I did not have a right to deny him this chance at having such a relationship. I thought about leaving him so that he can enjoy this with her but he insists that polyamory will only work for him if I am with him. He would like me to share his experiences with him and will not go out on his own with a partner. When I asked him if he was happy with her because if he truelly was, I would let him be. He said, he was tortured the whole time he was with her because he could not share this with me and that leaving him would bring him back to misery lane as well. Sharing this experience with me was important for him and that it would enrich our marriage and take us to another level. Unfortunately apart from discussions of polyamory as a fantasy for the better part of the year, he never owned up to what he was doing behind my back because he did not want to hurt me. In the meantime, he did lots of soul searching, research on the internet, S is convinced that he is one of those people who can love two women at the same time. He has therefore come out as polyamorous.
I am just trying to come to terms with the affair and the gutting pain of betrayal but now S has tabled the suggestion that we should use this as a healing for our marriage ..with the same person with whom he cheated. I have heard that people do transit from cheating to polyamory so I am looking for help on this. I am feeling pressured and cornered and I told him so because instead of trying to repair the damage caused by the affair, we are introducing changes to it at its weakest time. He says its important to make a decision now because he is afraid the affair partner may move on. I feel like the concern is less on helping me heal and more on finding resolve for his affair partner. He says that we should give it a try and spend time together so that I too can experience this energy. According to him, she is the one person who can compliment us..in fact he said, both of us compliment each other very well. However, if I am not willing to accept her, he will, for my sake, bury this and stay with me. How can I consider this step at a time when my emotions are so mangled and trust in our marriage is on zero? How can I start thinking about sharing our life with the same person who has been sneaking around with my husband for 9 months, who I tried to comfort during her depression unbeknown to me that her affair with my husband was the cause of her depression?
I know the solution is not to bury the poly discussion but rather find a resolve that can work out for both of us. However, I have tried to ask my husband for time to heal before we take this step but he will not listen. I am still struggling with mind movies of their affair but he says I should try and use the experience to heal myself and us. I dont know if my mono mind will open up someday and accept this but I need this time to sort my mind out after the affair. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning.... I am sorry for the long post but I need some advice please. Seekinganswer