Thread: Hi :)
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Old 08-17-2009, 03:13 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 81
Default communication & other stuff

Thanks for the warm welcome...

I am a talker. I talk through ideas and feelings to sort them out. When I've figured out what I need, I can talk to the two of them easily and openly. It gets stickier when I use them as a sounding board for my insecurities, and I don't have any actual actionable information for them.

Obviously, adding a third changes the dynamic for the original two. I'm sure I don't need to say that, but it's something my husband and I are still adjusting to, and there are times when he gets defensive and it's hard for him because he thinks he's hurting me. He has had no jealousy and no insecurities (regarding me w/her - he's had some with just her), so he has a hard time understanding some of what I've dealt with.

Redpepper, her moving out is not an option. She was 1,000 miles away and knows few people here. While I understand where you are coming from, I also disagree on some points. In a long distance relationship, it is much easier to ignore someone's flaws, and much easier for someone to hide their flaws. This was going to be long distance until it wasn't... she had to move, we decided to jump.

There are issues she has that we probably wouldn't have been able to see until she moved in, and I honestly think it would've been worse to go a year without knowing what we were dealing with... she has never really had a good relationship, and she has some communication issues. Also, she sees how he and I communicate (delicate triad subjects aside - we're still learning those), and expects to be at the same standard. We keep telling her we didn't get here overnight. We've been involved for ten and a half years, and our first year we spent more time breaking up than staying together... but since that first year, we've lived together, and grown together. We were only 23 when we first met... we've shared a lot of experiences and time together, and so of course, we have this bond and this communication that's developed over that time period.

I am definitely the most open communicator... the trouble is, sometimes I am too open. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but it goes back to what I said about insecurities and actionable information. I have facilitated conversations starting between the two of them many times... and he's worked to do that for she and I, when it's been needed. So, it's not that there isn't communication... it's just that there are times when I need to vent or sound off or whatever, and it's not necessarily fair or appropriate to do that with either of them.

They don't always like it, but I talk when I have something I have to say. Sometimes, I turn to email because it's easier to get my points out without getting sidetracked. Sometimes, we all talk together... sometimes I talk to them individually. Depends on the matter at hand... but the point is, there IS communication. We're still learning how to work with her issues, and she's come a long way in not a lot of time. He and I are learning to communicate about things we never in a million years imagined we'd be talking about... so that's a bit delicate and tricky at times, but we've been together so long, and even when things get heated, we usually don't take long to understand what the other is saying, even if we can't necessarily understand the feelings behind that.

Sooo... hopefully I've explained myself a bit better, but the bottom line is, don't worry. I talk when I need to... and I'm pretty good at telling when one of them needs to, also.
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