Thanks again...I honestly don't know how I would have managed the past 48 hours without you. I would have made it, but not feeling alone...that made all the difference. I blog all the time, but its solitary...just knowing others have been there...I keep saying it, and its heartfelt.
There is so much to respond to!!
I was not doing so well when I knew he was at her hotel this morning and through to lunch. I blogged and wrote here and it helped, and hung with boyo a lot, but was still pretty panicky. And exhausted and a little crazy, too. So I made some lunch for us and I took a nap...it was likely the best thing I could have done, because I wasn't able to stress about what else they were doing and I caught up on some sleep which means I hopefully will be more level and calm tonight.
Then I henna'd my hair
which is a long and distracting process. Smoothing that hay-smelling gunk on my head was oddly meditative and exceedingly relaxing...
And so now I'm doing a bit better.
He's on his way home - I see he posted a couple of times here..
I'm looking forward to seeing him and connecting and really scared and on edge too...about what we might talk about and about losing my cool.
Mohegan, thanks for your insights. I hope we can find a balance for communication. I do need to know that I am informed of big things, and that I can contact him whenever (I think I can but don't feel at all comfortable doing so - and any of my replies to the texts he sent to keep me informed went unanswered...we need to talk about that, I guess).
I do need to have contact - I've needed it for the past 22 years, and that's not going to suddenly change. He's been my best friend and my lover. Him disappearing completely is really hard. I totally understand their need for space without my intruding, but there must be a balance...it seems like you've found it. Something to work on for sure, before he goes away in November.
I really appreciate the time you're spending giving feedback to both of us. REALLY appreciate it. You're right that we need to work as a team and I need to be fair and not use things he offers against him. Sometimes that's hard - its good to be reminded of it.
She is not cheating on her husband, but there is stuff going on, from the sounds of things...and she has vulnerabilities that she has turned to him for help with. I completely get it - I'm a nurturer and understand that if she feels safe with him, its a good thing. It's just hard because of the dynamics between he and I, whereby he finds it hard to be that person with me. I have to separate the 2 things out...he is in that role with her and has been since they met, and he really has struggled with being in that role with me for years...I can't expect that to change right away, and maybe not ever. I guess there's envy for that side of him coming out and being given to another.
Your longer post just a while ago really touched me - thanks for sharing so much and for getting it so well. I think it may have stung him, though I don't know what parts of any of this he is responding to.
In regards to trust, the trouble is that I feel so much more betrayed, because I didn't walk after everything came out last year...and there was a LOT of stuff, things most people would have kicked him out for immediately. I stuck it through and we worked together, sometimes well, sometimes not. there was serious miscommunication this summer, but a lot of it happened after he'd already met her. He had asked for my trust and said I had all the time in the world to heal and he was there for me, no matter what. So to find out that that wasn't the case...that he'd gone behind my back, even if it wasn't physical yet...it's been that much harder. I think he thought it would be easier this time, my knowing, especially since it hadn't been physical, and that was a line he drew...but it wasn't my line and he knew that...So I was maybe knocked back harder than the last time. And this is all going so freaking fast my soul is spinning.
All that being said, I think I do have a right to put my foot down, to have a say. And I keep running into walls and end up backing down, which then causes hurt and resentment. I am practical and don't want to draw arbitrary lines...that was why I said it could all be on the table except spending the night. But I need to figure out what is really important to me, what hurts me the most and where I need the most support.
Mostly, I need to hear that he appreciates what I'm doing, that I haven't walked, that I am special to him...reassurances and support and caring and understanding. And those things, for whatever reason, don't come naturally to him when it comes to me. He can flirt and woo others with no problems, but it's hard with me - he's said so very clearly...and that makes it difficult.
I think you're right that he thinks this will blow over...because I didn't walk last time. And that he struggles with facing his actions and feelings around it. He might disagree, which is well in his rights. As soon as things get even a little better, he slows down the nurturing and gratitude and moves forward from that place, and then gets surprised when I get emotional or backslide. Its going to be a LONG process...we're talking 3 weeks now, and they've already had a 2 day date.
Its going to be harder in some ways, with this being a long distance relationship, because I think once they're together, they loose themselves completely every time. We have come to a good time balance for connecting in the day to day, I think. It really helps that she's in a different time zone and so our nights after 9:30 or 10:00 are just ours. That seems to be working, more or less - there have been some hard times when he's been deep into conversing with her during times that we've discussed as 'ours'...we can work on that. But the full-on immersion worries me a little, especially with him being gone and with her for over a week very soon.
And we're going away as a family this coming week, from Wed through Sun...he was concerned about how to fit communicating with her into that. I think whatever he figures will work with her has to be similar in time and attention to what he's going to provide me when he's with her. It's not necessarily about equality or tit for tat...but if he can problem solve with her how to continue to stay on touch when we're on the road, then it seems he should be able to problem solve with me as well...
Talking in circles a bit now, I think.
redpepper - thanks for your closing words in that last post...you gave me a good boost there...I am doing well with all this, and am a good person who deserves to be treated well. That was good to hear...my positive self talk only goes so far
Thanks again for your kind words and your support...you've lifted me up, all of you have - and I'm including Sage, LMBL and vodkafan in here with redpepper and Mohegan...and anyone else who's been lovely and supportive who I might have missed.
Hugs to you all! Thanks for taking the time to walk beside me on this journey for a ways. I hope that with everything I'm learning I'll be able to do the same for others too. It's so good to not feel alone...