Thread: Ray's Quandary
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Old 10-17-2010, 12:34 AM
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ray ray is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 819

Thanks Vodkafan, I've been trying pretty hard to keep a level head. Not always easy for me, I'm pretty emotional.

Today, I finally figured out something that's been really bothering me in the relationship. I'd been feeling a bit dissatisfied as of late for a variety of reasons and wasn't sure if maybe the relationship just wasn't going to be able to give me enough (being secondary and all). And to make things a little more difficult, quality time is by far the most important thing to me terms of feeling really cared for and satisfied. Which, from what I've seen, is a challenge in any poly relationship structure to coordinate. love may not be limited, but time sure is. O and I had never really set up much structure in terms of figuring out hang out time. It would just happen or not. during the summer, I had obscene amounts of free time so it was really easy for all the stars to align. Then school coming back took away some of that and then I got a new job and we lost some more. On top of that he tends to be pretty last minute in terms of asking me if I'd like to hang out since I frequently spend Saturday afternoons/nights/Sunday mornings @ their house. For awhile I wasn't sure if I was just having unrealistic expectations about the amount of quality time we could spend together. Quality time for me being either time with him and I alone, or time with him and A and I. Time that we spend hanging out with people that we're not "out" with is fun but I also feel like it's missing something since we can't act like we're actually dating. Sorry this is getting long, I've needed to vent! Aaanyway, I realized that I don't necessarily need tons of time, I have a fairly simple list of changes that I think would go a long way.

1. I would appreciate knowing sooner than 5 mins before whether or not we're going to hang out on any given weekend.
2. If every week we could designate time (not necessarily the same time every week) where I know for sure, except in extreme circumstances that we will get some alone time.

If I know ahead of time what I'm getting then...

1. I get to look forward to it and get all excited, that's half the fun right there!
2. I don't get super disappointed when we don't get to hang out because I already know and I know when we're hanging out next so I'm looking forward to that instead of being sad.
3. I'm not constantly in state of anxiety wondering whether or not we're hanging out and do I need to bring certain clothes or my tooth brush and things like that.

Gosh, if we could do those things, I'm pretty certain I would feel 10x better at least.

Whew...Sometimes it just helps to babble about it. I'll have to talk to him tomorrow or the next day and hopefully we can figure something out.
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