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Old 10-16-2010, 10:36 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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The thing Mr. W needs to realize is that he has breached the most sacred of trusts. Akin to that of a child to its parent.

When we enter marriage and go through the ceremony and all our family and friends are there we are committing to TRUSTING each other no matter what. That doesn't mean that we are going to be perfect, but we are going to be honest about it.

We are sold this idea that marriage means a certain thing and if we don't follow that we have to go underground to get our needs met. There is no room for others in traditional marriage and no room for honest communication. We have to suck up desire for others and a need to love more than one. At least at this time in history. Its bull shit really, but that is how it is.

We go into it trusting as a child does and then when someone cheats that raw, naive trust is broken and I think impossible to get back. It changes a person entirely. There is no hope of that innocence coming back. Once the trust is broken, its done.

Now that doesn't mean that achieving a new level of trust is not possible. It is, but it takes on a different form. No more of the blind, "you have to trust me" can happen again. There will always be doubt. You are at a place now I think where he has lost the right to assume that you will just trust. You get to have a say from now on as to what happens and you get to put your foot down in order to gain grounding, strength and assurance that you and your relationship with him will be okay. He has lost the right to just do whatever without your say. You trusted him and that is gone.

So if he is surprised that you are putting your foot down, this might be time for him to realize how it's going to be in the future. That doesn't mean you will dictate what happens, but will now be an active participant in that. Because obviously he is unable to handle that on his own, or he wouldn't of had affairs.

Mono had a two year affair and got kicked out by his wife for it. His daughter hasn't spoken to him in two years and the repercussions of his deceit live on. He is off this afternoon to visit his nephew and niece on her side. They will have nothing to do with me and don't want him to talk about his life now. It's been TWO years! That pain lasts a life time. It makes me sad to feel like some kind of whore. As if it was me he had an affair with. It wasn't me. but it doesn't matter. Not only that, I pass the places he used to go with this woman, occasionally she comes up and I am disgusted and don't want him to touch me. It wasn't even me he had an affair on. I would love to know Mono's wife and often tease that I would love to call her up and ask what the hell she did with him when he behaves a certain way. I have compassion for her. None for the woman he cheated with. He says she was a lovely woman, emotional and caring.... all I can muster is she is a cheating bitch that didn't have it in her to buck up and take care of her husband and life and move on or fix the issues between them. I'm trying to have some compassion, but fail.

My dad is still punished by my mum for his affair when I was 10. She never trusted him again and he never lived it down. Mono's mum suffered through his dad having many affairs over the years. He was a sailor for the Canadian naval fleet. She resigned herself to the pain and they never talk of it.

The point is that if Mr. W thinks this is all going to blow over because you are being so good about it, he is wrong. I think he needs to get out of his ego and selfishness and start empathizing and being respectful if he thinks you are worth keeping in his life.

HE has to live with it too. The guilt, the wondering if he can control himself, the confusion about the difference between having it easy in just lying and now having to be honest and not knowing how... all hard, but he is a better man for being honest. Now he just has to realize that you are worth MORE than any other woman and he has to show you that double time now.... if he doesn't then I for one don't think he is able to be poly and quite frankly I see no reason for you to stay and waste your life...

early days yet though... you are doing great and a remarkable woman to even consider working on this. You are obviously okay without him. Be proud! and at the end of the day, if he doesn't pull his socks up and you leave, be proud of that too. You have a responsibility to yourself and your boy to show how a woman deserves to be treated. How everyone deserves to be treated.
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