Thanks once again
I just talked to him, briefly...he had just arrived at her hotel.
I think he is absolutely living in the moment. He apologized for not communicating more, very formally, and moved on. I know I shouldn't quibble with tone - he took responsibility for that and for leaving her last night. It was very clear that he was doing it for me and would much rather not have.
So I take from this that guidelines are going to chafe him and cause more troubles, but he is used to getting his way with me and I don't know if I should stand my ground or not. It's moot right now, but will come up big time when he's going to be in her city of 9 days starting Nov. 6.
If I'm struggling this much now...how can I handle that?
You are very wise people, and very supportive and I really appreciate it beyond words.
I didn't actually request tons of updates...I wanted to be in the loop, because last I had heard it would be all or nothing, and I thought that knowing that they had resolved all thier issues and were moving forward in a relationship would be (or that they were just closing out the local watering hole) would be good to know. I think I was doing pretty good until he'd well passed the time when he said he'd be heading out, and hadn't contacted me for almost 5 hours just to let me know that - hey, things are looking good, going back to her room, or hey, this is not going as planned, getting thoroughly plastered...
I can see where no contact might be easier in some ways. We do have a kid, so communication with him is important...he needs things to be stable if possible and of course he knows things are rocky right now.
But thanks for your thoughts and input. I agree that the past trust issues colour everything, and that's to be expected, I think.
Thanks for your perspective. I'm glad you've been able to come out on the other side of this...I'm really struggling with seeing how that can happen right now, as things stand. I'm hoping, since he's been reading this, that other perspetives might help him as well as me. I agree that communication is key. And I think that while he's there, he will continue to be torn and on the defensive. So hopefully when he gets home we can work on things.
And he isn't as willing as it sounds like Karma was, to be completely transparent and open...that hurts a lot. He is willing to go to a point, and tells me he's being honest, but he hedges around things or gives non-answers, or won't offer information so I have to push until I find the right question to unlock the information, which is hard work and causes more defensiveness on his part and frustration on mine.
He's going to be exhausted when he gets home, and so will I and I know that it is when we're both wiped that we really mess up the communication, so...I'm not sure how to handle that yet. It's harder with him working all day and night tomorrow as well.
Thanks again for your support...I think NRE is huge right now - they've finally met after months of emails, texts and chats. He is down playing it. I think it's a pride thing to not admit to be lost in it, so he's using other words...infatuated, in love...
Your words struck a deep chord in me...when you said I deserved to be appreciated for the huge effort...that really is missing right now...he just sounds exasperated with me. He tells me he loves me, and he apologized very precisely for not following through on communication. That's been it. He hasn't acknowledged my pain - in fact he told how upset she was last night when he wanted to go...so he stayed and held her until she feel asleep...he told me she was hysterical....well, by that point, before I finally heard from him, so was I. But he is so firmly in that moment with her, to all appearances...
I have to say that I am always well aware that there are 2 or more sides to every story and my bottom line rule is for respect of anyone, so I am trying to make sure I am clear that I am fully aware that this is my perspective only, and that I was in a place of deep hurt. That being said, I am also clear that communication is not the only issue, though it is a huge one.
You are one wise woman. Thanks for your perspective, because you have been in his shoes, and to me, it sounds like you really get it.
You're right that they were intimate, though no sex...though that's what he really is hoping for. And honestly, I'd like to get that done...there was a lot of talking and connecting and making out. And she melted down and he stayed to hold her until she fell asleep, which is past the point when I was expecting to hear from him, and which is exactly the sort of intimacy that scares me the most. They didn't sleep together...somehow him staying with her, holding her until she fell asleep feels even worse. He feels a strong need to protect her, and he sees me as being strong.
I am so far from strong these days....I used to be, I felt really good about who I was as a person. But the cheating and the lying and everything that went with it really, really eroded a lot of that and I am far more fragile than I've ever been in my life. And I am working on getting strong, I am...I don't like this version of me...but it's hard, because it really is just me making myself strong again, and that's lonely and its hard because it wasn't me who knocked my foundations...I feel like I need and deserve help rebuilding that. And just when I was starting to really get stronger about the past cheating and about myself...and just when I was opening up to a whole lot of sexual stuff and personal stuff...awakening, really...just when it felt like we were re-connecting...that's when all this happened...I wasn't strong and I got knocked right back down.
Whoa - sorry....that came out of left field...that's what I mean about writing to process...It was really hard because it feels like he put supporting her over supporting me, and logically, I can see the importance - because he was there with her in the moment and it was obvious that she needed him. And I am chill and laid back for the most part, so I think it was easiest to just be in the moment and deal with me later. But I'm so broken right now and I need a bit of help putting myself back together and his choices and actions didn't help. They went to a place where they both knew there was a liklihood of her breaking down like that, right before he was supposed to head out for the night, so it didn't come out of the blue, and knowing they had all of today, I think they could've waited until today and maybe things would have gone differently.
Thanks for your words of wisdom to him...I hope he reads them and takes them to heart...I don't think I actually need as much as many others in this situation - I've been managing fairly well and have been feeling proud of that...but I do have needs too, and have made huge changes for him and for her...and those things need to be honoured as well.
And he doesn't have a name here yet, really....he called himself 'the mess in question', but names have such power and I hesitate to call him mess, which would maybe be logical. He and I need to talk about that. In the meantime, MR Whimsey made me LOL and that is a very good thing today
Thanks again everyone
and thanks for being willing to wade through all my words!
Today is harder than I thought - I figured I'd be distracted with activities and maybe excited about him coming home, but instead I'm just picturing them holed up in her hotel all day long and us fighting when he gets home.
A good friend of mine says to re-write your story...Put a positive and joyful spin on it. I'm usually pretty good with that, not so much today. I think I need to give myself some space to wallow, just a bit, and to be gentle with myself...and THEN I can look at re-writing this story of mine...
It helps so very, very much to be here. Thank you all.
Many hugs to you - I know the roads have been rocky at some point for every one of you and may be again. I'm gathering inspiration as I go...