Yea. Apologies for the litany of swear words below, not sure about the rules here but...I'm just hungover and not filtering well.
I'd like to hear what the posters have to say about this...especially you, redpepper
I went out with S and two other of our "house guys" last night, and we had a total blast. I assisted S with a digit-snag - not gonna lie, we make a pretty fucking awesome team. (guy was actually pretty cute, too...)
C worked all day, and had to work early this morning, so she opted out. I'd be lying if I said she probably wasn't at least a tad weirded out about me going out with S, after I'd been 100% open with her, but she said go have a good time, so I did.
S and I ended up catching a ride back to her place, since it was fairly close to the bar we were at.
So... there's a lot of talk on here / in the community about ground rules. I figured since we'd broached the subject, we should lay some down, just so they were in place - I guess I figured, better to be weird with rules than not with none. So the rules were basically go have fun with your friend, and hands off - i.e., nothing past the friend boundary we had already established. (I might add that, those are the rules that were in place all along , but it felt better/right having them spoken, out loud for some reason.) At some point C texted me "do what you want." I responded, (something to the extent of) "no, there are rules in place, and they will be obeyed, and it's not something we're going to change through a text message."
So, I ended up back at S's place shortly after last call. I was totally hammered, and so was S. I gave her a much-needed back rub, and then came the word-vomit...
Long story short (okay I've re-read this and it is long, but bear with me), I ended up telling her basically everything. I told her about C and I, wanting to experience more, etc. I told her about some of C's fantasies that led to the discussion, and I told her pretty flatly that I was attracted to her. It's hard to recount everything, honestly, because I was drunk, and it was really difficult, BUT, I was totally honest. Some things came up...
I guess I'm not the first married guy that's been interested in her - although I'm the only one that's been honest with her, which made me feel good. She said I was hot, and I 'think' she verified that she was attracted to me (felt really good. I 'was' lookin' pretty damn good.) It was obviously a stride out of her comfort zone to discuss it, which is not surprising in the least, but there ya go.
To make it really simple, I just told her how I felt. I love being her close friend. I told her I value her, and that, basically, even though I was attracted to her, and even if it was "okay" with my wife, I didn't want to fuck her like some notch on the post.
She's had an (extremely, like 2 times or so...) casual sexual relationship with one of the house boys, a guy that's one of my 3 best friends (the house boys.) It's weird to know - on the one hand, it hasn't ruined their relationship, so I think that casual 'fun' sex could work between the two of us - THAT BEING SAID, I realized something important: She'll never be close to him because of it. Maybe I'm putting words in her mouth, but I'm pretty sure I'm right. What do you think, gals?
I also feel like a fucking hypocrite, because her casual relationship with him made me extremely jealous for some reason. It hurts to say this because I'm not proud of it, but the thought process was "You can sleep with my other friends, why not me?" Like some party favor. Sick.
I don't approve of what she did with him, because it wasn't for fun - I think she did it to feel good about herself when she needed it, and my own opinion is that she always ends up feeling worse for the wear in hindsight. Maybe it's just me, and my lack of experience, but there ya go. Sex can be for fun, sure, but if it's for fun it should be in the name of fun - not because you're feeling down and you need a pick-me-up. Different things.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is, for better or worse, what I really wanted was to connect with her and not feel guilty about it. Being open and honest was part of that, and I had to say what I had to say in order to do that. It's odd, but, I felt that jealousy fade immediately when I realized that (she might be) closer to me than she's ever been to any of the assholes that have used her, and used her, and used her. And honestly, fuck those guys, I want to kick their teeth in. I feel hatred for them. I feel hatred for the people that have used her - some I'll forgive, some I wont. I can't believe I wanted to join their ranks.
I look back at the post I initially made and I actually feel sick because of it. Because it reminds me of every other guy who's slept with her. They're all assholes. Fucking sick to my stomach. I had built up this version of her in my head that was impervious to feeling; an object.
Honestly, redpepper was so goddamn right...SO RIGHT. Her first post WASN'T harsh, it was goddamn real and true. I'm so fucking happy she said what she said in that post a few days ago - because, for fuck's sake, how self-centered was I being? I know it sounds contrived to say I felt that way then, and "whoa," now I've opened my eyes, but that's honestly how it's been. Maybe people that have already been around a few times know this more naturally, but when you've only had sex with one person ever, and for ten years at that, well...is it weird that someone could have an incredibly solid emotional relationship with their wife, but still think like a little idiot kid when it comes to other relationships?
It makes me sick to think I would have treated her that way. And the worst part? I probably could have. She probably would have. And then I would have been just another in a long line of fucking assholes that stopped by, used her, didn't care about her, and went along on their business. Just like pepper said. Yea, fuck that.
So I guess what I'm saying is...I feel a lot better now? Like a patient in recovery. I told her how I felt, and that felt good just saying it, and I told her how much I valued her as a friend. I don't know if I could have felt the same way if I hadn't included that I was attracted to her; being all-the-way honest is kind of an all-or-nothing deal, in my (albeit newly formed) opinion. I also couldn't have felt that way if I hadn't been honest with my wife.
It feels like a lot of drama just to tell a friend how I felt...I wish more people could just be honest all the time. It's honestly just so eye opening to me. Even though I've always "played by the rules," I was still a manipulative asshole. Manipulative assholes try to twist rules around, they contort things to make them suit themselves...and that's what was in my head, and that's almost my natural instinct. No more. Never again.
Well I think I've rambled on long enough. I could probably go on and on, but I think the important bits are up there.
I'm nursing an excruciating hangover, apologies for how disjointed this is.
You guys opened my eyes. Thanks. It mattered.