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Old 10-16-2010, 08:10 AM
whimsey whimsey is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Coastal BC
Posts: 19
Default This is the moment...

And now we're into that actual night I've been dreading.

It's real, it's happening right now. It's almost 1:00 am and he said he'd call me tonight once he left her place....but all of a sudden yesterday she dug in her heels and wanted to change that one boundary I had asked for, and really insisted upon - that they not spend the night together.

She gave him an all or nothing ultimatum...and it was left at that. So I have NO idea what's going on...last I heard, yesterday, was that he was going to stand firm on that and had suggested to her ending the night between 2:00 and 3:00 am. I guess if I want to talk to him and have some sense of what's going on I just need to stay up...and not knowing and not having any sense of time/parameters or anything is kind of completely killing me.

Trust is a huge issue, given our history. He has promised to stand firm to this guideline and I did talk to him briefly at 10:00 when he called to say goodnight to DS and to check in quickly. At that point it was all neutral and confusing to him, and they were going out for drinks...and that's where it's been left.

I think there are many reasons for my angst...There's been no easing into dating - they're starting with a long 2 day visit, even if they don't sleep together. I found out about them 3 weeks ago, they've never met, and have had a LD relationship, this is their first meeting, so they want to know if the chemistry is there in person. He's going to be gone most of tomorrow, because of travel time and the fact that he wants to maximize his time with her, and I haven't seen him since last night - it's already been 24 hours without seeing him, and will be another 20 before I do. That's incredibly hard for a first ever date, even if we can text or talk a little bit. Trust is a HUGE issue...I keep saying that, I know...but his history of cheating and the fact that the 2 of them made plans for how to keep things a secret from me and how and when they'd tell me...after he'd promised me no more lies, no matter what, and all the time in the world to heal from the cheating and betrayals of before...

But bottom line, not having any clue as to what's going on? That's the worst in this moment, because my imagination kicks ass, and is going full on into overdrive. And maybe I shouldn't have expectations for knowing what's going on...and maybe down the road if this path is the one we continue walking, it'll really not matter. But right now, it does matter.

Anyways...trying not to have a pity party. I am doing fairly well...Keeping busy, reading posts here, doing a bit of tidying, hanging out with DS (11) - from here on to be identified as the boyo, mixing up a fresh batch of henna for doing my hair tomorrow, watching the Project Runways I'd saved for tonight when I knew I'd need some distracting brain candy...

No tears, still and yet, which is good. Anxiety beyond words, can't eat, bit of a panic attack at midnight and again just now...I guess that's when I can watch the passing of time...And really, a lot of numbness...I think I'm keeping a lot down until I get more information. For all I know there won't be any spark...or the boundary issues cause serious troubles...or...anything could be happening and I'm a pretty chill and logical person, even despite all this hard stuff I'm facing, and I guess I don't see the point of letting myself get lost in the emotions until I know what they'll be. So I know I'm packing stuff down and it will come out later, but since I don't know what will come out...I'm just being okay with myself. Allowing the panic and anxiety a bit, then distracting myself.

I have to say that I am not always this rational and calm...and that I could easily, with one phone call, go right off the deep end. We'll see. I have some anti-anxiety meds sitting on the kitchen counter should it come to that...they're ready but I'm trying to see if i can go without them.

Anyways, enough for now...
These posts will be LONG, for anyone who comes reading, because I write to process...and will often write in a great big circle, with little spurs off the line and treks into weird places...but ending up where I started with some answers or solutions...It's how my strange brain works...
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