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Old 10-16-2010, 04:59 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

Originally Posted by tincuptt View Post
1) She doesn't want him to see my pain and I don't think she trusts that I will avoid confrontation (not physical but emotional)
Sometimes, knowing and understanding your "other" makes things easier, not harder. Having a face, body and a connection with them can truly help. It does in most cases I have seen.

2) I think she feels that if he has to meet me, that he'll want to end it- he has asked her very little about me, and he goes out of his way to make sure that our paths don't cross- he never phones her at our home, and he does not try to intrude on time that's not designated for him. It's like they have a good thing and don't want to jeopardize it.
So...he has her for his time with her body but doesn't have to deal with her the rest of the time. He...and she, are not poly. He is her mistress and he likes it.

3) I think it's easier for her to continue to do it if its not "real" for her. I know that sounds contradictory since she'll only have sex with someone she cares for, but the separation of her two lives makes it easier for her. Plus I don't think she wants us sharing war stories.
I am not trying to be a dick with this next part, just an observation. The 20th century idea behind a mistress was the basis that the man, in the growing suburbs would be able to have his wife, kids, picket fence and house, while working in the big city...would have his loft with a hot young thang available for weekly sexual fun. A kept woman. In reverse, if I remember right, the man is called a paramour. While this isn't inherently a bad thing, it still isn't reading as if it is polyamoury.

Maybe she does this because its the dirty little secret effect. Maybe she enjoys this setup because of the separation and private division of sexual and emotional rights.

In all cases, its not poly ...

While I wouldn't say I have 100% trust, C is a person who is extremely honest about facts, so even if I cant always get a straight answer on her feelings, she is brutally honest about anything I ask her factually, so at least I always feel I know what's going on.
Extreme honesty, for the record, does NOT include not getting a straight answer on feelings. Using brutal honesty on facts to mask brutal honesty on emotions does not reveal and entire picture. As a very very logic based person, I can weave a web of ... deceipt using logic that is very truthful but shows the other person nothing. 0's and 1's have that ability.

I think what you describe can work, but you need to figure out what you want from this, what she is truly looking for and in the end what you can handle. In that set of truths you can figure out how to adapt to your marriage being open

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