Two months in, and still struggling
I'm a first timer on here- this is a great forum and I appreciate being able to read about everyone's various situations, it makes me feel better about my own as I don't feel "all alone" despite having no friends to share my situation with.
My wife and I have been together about 9 years. She is bi, and until a couple of years ago, only desired to have sex with females (other than me). I am completely mono. A couple of years ago she started openly fantasizing about males, and I eventually let her know I was ok with the concept of her being a hotwife- having casual sex with males, primarily as something I would watch. But no emotions and nothing ongoing.
After many close calls within the last six months, "C" met a guy and immediately began an intimate emotional relationship. She kept me well-informed, but let me know she intended to have a sexual and emotional relationship with him- that she couldn't have sex with another male unless it was meaningful. I asked her to take it slow as I wasn't prepared for it, but she went forward anyway and now we are two months in to this.
Originally she said since I opened the door to her having sex with another male that I had to respect her decision to do it on her terms. Eventually she backed down and took responsibility for the fact that she was hurting me by doing something I didn't approve. We have had good communication which eventually led her to introduce me to this forum. It is important to note that she has been very miserable for the last few years, and this relationship has opened a window of happiness for her that I haven't seen in a long time (we've had major major external problems, but no serious relationship things).
Here are my challenges- First and foremost, every time I feel myself moving towards accepting the Poly concept for us (I really believe she is sincerely Poly), I feel that it just validates her decision to have proceeded without my approval. I understand it's her body and her decisions, but if she had just taken it slower I probably would be much more accepting. I worrry that if I come to openly accept the relationship, then I've opened the door to her continuing to do "what she wants" without regards to any agreements we have in place. How do you balance that?
The other question (at least for now, I've got tons of them really)- is how do you keep your jealousy in check? I have never been jealous of the attention C gets from males (it's always been over the top), but obviously this is completely new to me, and i haven't handled it well. I know that I have to do everything to keep it internalized, and instead deal with the root causes, but darn, its near impossible. I have broken down in front of her at least five times (and not in front of her twice that many times) and it just pushes her away. And even though I tell myself NOT to ask her to stop, I just did it again last night. If I end up forcing her to stop this relationship, it will make ours a living hell. "Pursuing a hobby" is not an easy option for me, because I have to watch our kids when she's with new guy, and its that time that I go craziest.
In fairness to her, now that NRE has subsided some, she has treated me more fairly about our time, and I have received some benefit (better sex, and I'm much more in touch with my feelings for her). But I can't stop this daily feeling that I just wish she'd end it with new guy....