Originally Posted by redpepper
I think that if this is bothering you then you need to be more persistent in pursuing a conversation. It wouldn't be okay with me that he tell you he doesn't want to discuss emotions with you. As fas as I am concerned, in my relationships, you are fucking my partner, you are going to have to talk to me. I wouldn't exactly say it like that, but really, I probably wouldn't back down until we find a way to make that happen. He is your metamour and you have a crush on him. I think he is going to have to deal if he wants his relationship to continue to run smoothly with your partner. It sounds like he is used to casual sex and not connected, bonded, emotional relationships with more than one person. Well, guess what, they are different. He gets to be involved with not just her, but everything in her life. That is how connected relationships work. If he doesn't like it then he will have to remain casual with her to be relieved of that responsibility.
What does she say? Is she advocating for you and he to be around each other and spend friendly time together? Work on your relationships? Read on this forum... you will see that most healthy poly relationships mean healthy metamour relationships. I would highly suggest that he get on board with that... her too.
I'm trying to be as sympathetic as I can towards him and his boundaries. I've tried this kind of tough-love approach to getting a metamour to open up to me before and it made things worse. Much worse. I'm not going to mess things up with my girlfriend and him by doing that again. If he doesn't trust me enough to share then I can't force him to because he'll probably just decide its all too much hassle and end things with her.
Also I think their current relationship wouldn't really be classed as serious right now anyway. We live quite far away and don't get to see him very much at all so really he doesn't have that responsibility.
The thing you said about healthy poly means healthy metamour kinda struck a chord with me. I've known this for a while you see, and when we started seeing Felix I got in touch with his wife because I thought it was rude not to. And she ignored me and refused to meet us or anything. I feel a little bit like they shouldn't be able to call themselves polyamorous. And if they are they must be bad at it. Maybe I'm just a tad bitter though.
Anyway, I've talked a lot to my girlfriend about this and the plan now is to invite him here for some time to hang out and also let him know in no certain terms that I'm still attracted to him. We're also going to find a way of bringing all this up in a way that won't scare him off or upset him. It's quite tricky. But I'm feeling quite a bit better about the whole situation now after our trip. Oh and I came out to my sister. Yay.