I started out in my first poly relationship (current) feeling totally unsure of the rules. Eventually, I felt like I understood what we were doing but now I feel just as uncertain as I did in the beginning. For those that don't know I'm an arm in a FMF vee with O (my SO) and his wife A. We've been taking things fairly slow due to it being my first relationship (ever) and the comfort levels of A. O has had multi-partner relationships but A hasn't. We've been dating about 4 months now and we hadn't included sex so as to respect A's boundaries but had been playing around a bit within the rules. The three of us hang out quite a bit and I know he hopes that I become their unicorn but she and I have yet to get to that point, if ever. I was feeling pretty good with what I was getting in terms of time, attention, "play time" and what not. Then, last week, O told me he felt like we needed to cool down things on the physical side indefinitely because he wasn't sure if he could trust himself to have the self-control to follow A's wishes. I certainly understood but I felt so crushed. I seriously considered ending it mainly because it was the first time I'd really felt how tenuous a secondary relationship can be. It kills me for him to erect this boundary. In order for it to change either she has to become ok with us doing whatever or he has to feel like he will be able to respect the rules that are in place. I really, really like him and am trying pretty damn hard to be okay with what he needs right now but I'm not sure if I like what this could bode for the future. I don't have a lot of people I can talk to about being poly. I've never dated anyone seriously before this and he's the first person I've ever kissed. I might be in over my head. Eek.