I totally understand what RP's saying that I should forget about the idea of sex with her at this stage. It really isn't even about sex, right now, except as it relates to my frustration and freak out levels. (And GOD does it ever!) It's about defining where I fit in their lives and where they fit in mine. It's about boundaries on intimacy. Is it OK to cuddle with her on the couch? In front of B? In front of the kids? Where does intimacy end and sex start?
At Burning Man, this year, I brought the two of them out with me. (I've been going for over 10 years) At one point, S and I were told to reach into a bag and take a button. I pulled out one that said simply "Yes". She pulled out one that said "Cuddle Slut" We looked at each other and without a word, handed each other our button. B laughed his ass off.
S really IS special. She's the most open, loving, wise person I've ever met. She's not perfect by any stretch, but I've never met anyone like her. I tell her how special and amazing she is at least a dozen times a week.
It sounds like I need to do a shitload of reading at this point and get them to start doing the same. It also sounds like it's time for a few three person conversations, instead of me talking directly to either of them, as I've been doing.
Thing is we're already at a point where I'm part of their lives and I can't just stop doing that. For one thing, I don't think any of us really wants that. Plus, losing them is perhaps the one thing in all the world that truly terrifies me. As GS said, we really are already half way there. So going slow and talking things out openly sounds like the right choices.
Again, thank you all so much!