You've given me much to think about - which is good - and repeated a lot of the same questions I myself have, primarily about the haste and the cheating vs poly.
There's so much I want to reply to I wonder if I need to break this up...but I'll just start here and see where it goes...
I don't know if he is using this as a cover for his cheating...he is adamant that it is not. It had come up over the years a few times, so the idea isn't new to me. I'm more concerned right now about the speed of everything, and feeling rushed, to be honest. That seems almost more telling.
redpepper: I agree that he is selfish and self-absorbed...not always, but he goes in waves. That being said, I do know he is seeing my pain and it is causing him a lot of distress. Not enough to stop this relationship, but I think he is already in the throes of NRE at the very least and now is worried about hurting her as well as hurting me. He might be a NRE junkie - it was one of the questions I asked him when he brought up polyamory, before I found out about this GF.
As to connecting with her...she is very private, and does not identify as poly, but has an open marriage arrangement. It's been a huge challenge to connect, as she doesn't see the need. All my reading here (and it has been so helpful over the past 6 weeks) kept coming back to getting to know her and I pushed and finally got basically a statement of intent - what she was looking for from her relationship with DH. It was very matter of fact and almost clinical. I took it and used it as a bridge and sent a long, chattier,
completely myself letter back, and thanked her for opening that much, and that I recognized that it was hard for her. I told her it humanized her for me and removed some of the threat, because my imagination was creating all sorts of lovely scary scenarios. I also let her know that this had never been the path I had envisioned my life and my marriage to take, and let her know some of my concerns, but also said that at this point I wasn't going to demand they stop seeing each other.
I guess it was well received, according to DH though I never heard back. She pulled back the time they had been spending communicating in the evenings and apparently asks about me, as I ask about her, so i figure that's a first step.
Meeting her never seemed to be on the table...I'm pushing at those boundaries pretty hard though.
I'm not the sort to simply sit back and take things, but I am at heart a nurturer and care giver and can loose myslef in that sometimes...I'm having to make sure I don't right now, because I keep on doing things because I'm worried about either or both of them being hurt. Which is ridiculous in light of my pain and distress, but that seems to be my default.
Mono and Easy: He says he would be open to talking about my having a boyfriend, though he says it would be hard and that he would not likely react as well as I am, and that is pretty telling, because I am pretty much a mess of volatile emotions, when I'm not a puddle on the floor. And that is knowing that right now at the very least it is the furthest thing from my mind and that I really identify as mono...I know this can change, but...its a bit of a safety for him, I think.
Lemondrop: Thank Easy for weighing in, please
And you've hit on what is troubling me the most...the sensation of being dragged into this. I am working at figuring out boundaries. Thanks for putting it all so clearly, though.
Sage: I've visited your blog before in all my reading and found it really helpful.
I think I do need to see where this goes, even for a bit longer. They've never met in person, so for all I (and they) know, there will be no chemistry and this will all be just a huge life lesson. Again - I am sure NRE is playing into this big time and he agrees (once I introduced him to the concept, that is).
As to the 9 days - he's in that city for work for that entire time and it is where she lives. He goes there several times a year and has lots of other friends that he spends time with and will be in tons of meetings and going to plenty of evening events, but...
I know that we need to really look at boundaries, big time, and guidelines. This is where all the trust issues come to play. he swears he is being 100% honest now and will be, but history has shown that when things get tricky, he does find it easy to fall into lying, so even if there are boundaries...I'm not sure how to deal with the trust issues, without being a pain and constantly checking on him, which I refuse to do.
Okay, this is huge...I'll answer the rest in another post
You have all been fabulous - as I said, just not feeling alone makes a huge difference.