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Old 10-14-2010, 07:13 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

Thanks for your reply mumbles. You remind me of my NSBF... we don't have sex, but are close enough that we consider each other a partner. He also is married to a woman that he met when he was very young. When I met him they had been only with each other. He was tempted to try out other women just for experience and so was she. She dated my husband for a short time and now they are friends. We spend a great deal of family time with them and go on trips camping etc together 3-4 times a year.

We both realized that we had feelings for one another but by the time I met him on a dating site I met Mono too. I met them during the same time frame but fell for Mono instantly and more slowly for my NSBF. By the time I realized it and so had he, Mono and I had made our boundaries and had agreed to no more men added into my life sexually. I had been swinging, dating, having one offs for a long time at that point and was tired of the way I had been treated. I am and was fine with agreeing to no more sexual partners with men... this didn't mean that I was to have no relationships that were connected so my NSBF and I decided that this is how our relationship is to be.

He thought he was not a person that would connect sex with emotional connection and still doesn't know one way or another. He has been able to explore for himself what sex with others is about. His wife has had several one night stands, two lovers and done a whole lot of swinging since then and he has watched and participated some... He is unsure he needs or wants more.

His wife is now seeming quite a different person. She comes across differently somehow and although I think she is wonderful I worry about her self esteem and feelings of self worth because of all her adventures. I hope she is okay, but I know full well what giving ones body away does to someone who is easily emotionally attached during sex and as a result of it, rather than detached. For me it meant cutting my mind away from my body and eventually led to my not caring what I did with my body because I felt nothing and it felt nothing.

I totally get that you want to experience something that you haven't before and I don't see anything wrong with that. I just am worried about your approach thus far. This is something that you have not experienced before and you seem to be taking it very lightly as if there are no real people involved. Sex with others can change EVERYTHING about the relationship. I can almost guarantee that one of the three of you will be changed afterwards.

This is not to say, don't do it. Just be aware of this and work out as much as you can ahead of time. Just walking away is not an option if you want to have integrity and care about your friend. Her being sexually adventurous does not mean she is easy and it will be a breeze. You don't know her relationship with her adventures. She might be struggling with them inside. They might of been one night stands and not with friends.... they might of been due to a number of reasons that perhaps she has not shared details about to you...

All of the past leads to now. What people have said and have done in the past means nothing when sex is initiated and happening... it's what to do with the energy it creates afterwards... keeping in mind the past and what change happened during sex. I am talking for the two women... but also for you! You don't know what you will feel. It sounds to me like you could have the capacity to experience more love and closeness and connection that perhaps you anticipate or wanting at the moment... something to consider perhaps?
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