View Single Post
Old 10-13-2010, 10:15 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,444

I've been dealing with some issues with Ragabash lately. It's a mix of a lot of things: how he took my finally seeing Sean (he's been much less confident since I've come back, and as a result I'm less drawn to being intimate with him), how he took J's rejection (once again, loss of self-confidence, sadness, etc), and some underlying issue we've both had for years (depression, anxiety, stress... On various levels we've both had both. I'd say he's more heavily into the depression aspect, I'm more heavily into the stress aspect).

Bottom line is, there have been some tensions between us. I keep wanting to have sex with him, but being put off because he seems so miserable most of the time. And when he does feel a bit better and I start to relax and trust him again, he gets more sexually aggressive than I would like and it goes down to zero.

We've had similar issues for years, and it's always a vicious cycle (not having sex with me causes him to be depressed, his being depressed causes me not to want sex with him). Fortunately, and that's why I'm posting about it now, I feel it's going to be better soon.
First, he seems to recognise he has a problem with depression and want to work on that, which is very good. He took an appointment with a GP, which is a good step if he follows through (it will be like at least the fifth appointment taken in order for him to find a therapist, and so far we're still at point zero after a year and a half).
And the other thing, that I was hesitant to talk about because I don't want it to cause my husband to feel more down... Sean has been helping me a lot.
Before, for the five years we've been together (well, really, the last three years or so. That's when he started having anxiety attacks that stressed me out, and other procrastination issues caused me to lose trust in him and not want to be intimate as much) I always felt all alone in that. Who could I turn to? I talked to my girlfriends, but their advice was always to leave him, and I never wanted to do that. Ragabash is my husband for a reason, and I want to work through these issues. But I know I can't tackle it on my own anymore, it's been too draining for my own health.
But now, I feel I can talk to Sean, because he's genuinely interested in our happiness. He wants our relationship to succeed. He wants both Raga and me to be happy and healthy.

It really helps me to talk to him about it, although I told him yesterday, I felt bad that for the past month or so, it's pretty much the only thing we've talked about. I guess problems in a relationship do spread to all the others, but the thing is, it didn't drive Sean and me apart. I didn't create a drain on our relationship. It brought us closer, and brought me closer to Raga as well.
Because I have someone to talk to who comforts me and helps me, I'm stronger to face the next struggle we face. And I think now we're finally able to make progress rather than getting further and further down.

And ultimately, I realise it's not a problem in our relationship (I mean Raga's and mine). It's problems we have individually. If we can work on ourselves separately it will be a big help. I feel we can't help each other because the way we work causes us to make the other feel worse (the vicious cycle I mentioned earlier).

We also picked up a nice book about anxiety and phobias. I've been following its advice and feeling much more calm and relaxed, I'm thinking it will help us a lot (we both have numerous anxiety problems as well as phobias).

It's hard to know the line with oversharing, but I trust people here, and I feel confident talking about my relationship with Raga considering he can post here at any time, too. I'd be leery of talking to people if I knew they were only getting one half of a story (mine) instead of the whole picture. Here at least you can get the whole picture, since it's equally my and Raga's blog.
Me: 32F, straight
Seamus: My husband, 33M, straight
Fox: My boyfriend, 30M, homoflexible
Dragon: Fox's husband (and my ex), 30M, pansexual
Reply With Quote