My wife is denying that Iím in the puppy house for talking about her in the last few posts...but I know better. She doesnít like me talking about her...or ...at all....sometimes. Probably because I know her way too well.
That and because in the last couple posts were written very intentionally to try and convey a certain amount of frustration, disappointment, or annoyance that I felt at the time. It was also left ambiguous as to where those feelings were directed...my wife, or the situation, myself, the fates, phase of the moon, the prospective paramores? They all had their turn at one time or another. And it often didnít matter if they deserved it or not.
It was intentional because that was my experience, so if it evoked similar emotions to those who have read it...and the confusion and randomness of where those emotions were directed, then my design was successful in giving you a glimpse of my experience. I think my wife had similar reactions to my frustrations at that time too...and if theyíre coming up again, it probably worked.
And if it seemed like a repeat from your own experience...then you will know Iíve been to a similar place.
Originally Posted by Indigomontoya
it's consolatory that I was not the only one grappling with some of these rather specific problems. Mind you I think we just fulfilled the the purpose of this board by saying that.
My wife being slightly paranoid... :P naturally read most of the frustrations and annoyance as stuff that was directed at her. Which it wasnít then...most of the time...and isnít now....usually.
Yes, at this point Iím half serious, and half jesting at her expense quite purposefully because it makes for better make up sex later when we finally see each other again.
A little teasing has itís rewards....even if itís one of those things I do that drives her nuts.
Iím sure Iím not the only one who in the haze of half formed thoughts and intense emotions has found themselves laying the blame on others who may not deserve it. For taking my frustrations out on someone else who is involved, or in proximity, but not the cause. For taking the anger from a nebulous situation or circumstance, and transferring it to something a little more tangible, like a person...a loved one. Or even just reacting at the fact that no matter how well thought out own logic seems to be, itís just not meshing up with theirs, in ways that may take a while to reconcile, if at all. Theyíre still another person, who will think and do as they damn well please...the only person we can really control is ourselves, ...and sometimes thereís a piss poor job done of that too...and all the more infuriating since thereís no one else we can pass the buck to either. Any of this sound familiar?
In trying to relate the emotional state at the time, I can only hope the ends justify the means. And I do want to apologize to my dear if it sounds inflammatory or that she would be in any way to blame. Itís simply not the case. We were partners working through our shit as best we could. What more could I ever ask of her, or myself? No one is perfect...not my wife, and certainly not I....just like not everyone is totally awesome...least of all me. But she is.
Some people on this forum have met my wife...some will meet her sooner or later. And some will only know her through the words I put down here. But I want to be clear who Iím talking about...the woman I married...whom I love dearly second to none...my wife...as I know and understand her.
You wonít know her like this...not as I do. IRL or online. And no matter how I skilled I could pretend to be at writing (and unfortunately for everyone in this case....I was a science major), Iíll never be able to give you more than the briefest glimpse into my love and adoration for this woman since itís something that can only be experienced, not explained. I think itís only really possible for my metamore(s) to come close...given enough time...and I certainly hope they have that chance.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled ramblings.