Asking for help when you're already drowning.
I know we're supposed to start out with an introduction and all that, but I've been struggling so hard and I just need to know what to do. I've read thru a lot of the threads and it seems like the majority of people here are couples who are open to a new person coming and going in their relationships or are a Triad or V with two women. There's so much about deciding that you're Poly and actively looking for a third. What about when it finds you without you looking for it? What about being the male third person? I've been going insane trying to understand and I've just recently realized that there might be others out there who could help me understand.
I think I've been in a badly messed up Poly relationship for the last year. I say think because none of us knew what the hell we were doing or where it was going to lead. Well, I guess we still don't.
I'm 44 with two grown kids. I've been divorced and had a handful of serious relationships that failed. I'd pretty much given up and decided that it just wasn't worth the pain. So I raised my two kids and focused on them and work. Didn't really even have a life outside of that. After about 10 years, they're both grown and out on their own. Time to consider having a life of my own again? Except I know I DON'T want any kind of a traditional monogamous relationship. Too much emotional scar tissue to even go looking for it.
Last year I met S. She's 22 and married with two kids. They're both swingers and while I wasn't, S and I ended up sleeping together quite a bit (long story). Her husband B knew about it and was "OK with it". We became very good friends and she invited me into her life as such. Spent evenings just hanging out with her, B, and their kids (4 and 7). Over time, our friendship grew closer. She's now the best friend I've ever had in my life. EVER. She and I can talk for hours and often do. We finish each others sentences and can/do tell each other EVERYTHING. And B and I get along great. S may be my best friend, but B's right behind there....
As this progressed, I guess I moved from one category to another with her, so the sex stopped. Theoretically, it's an FWB arrangement, but since I don't fit into any of the niches, the benefits are few and far between. Like less than once every couple of months few. But the emotions didn't stop. I found myself falling deeper and deeper in love with her. Both S and B know how I feel, but it's something we haven't spoken of very much. It's the elephant in the room. And I've told them both that if I ever become an issue between the two of them; I'm gone. I WILL NOT come between them. That's a given. S has repeatedly told me that I'm her best friend too and like no other, but that's all it could be because she's married to B and loves him so much. Except that all three of us know it's quite a bit more than friendship. None of us have a clue what it is or where the relationship might lead.
Fast forward to now.
I'm over there almost every night. B and I are terrific friends and their kids think of me as their Uncle who's always there for them. I've become a part of their family, and all of us think of it as such. It's not uncommon for me to end up on their couch instead of going home. They're relationship is NOT trouble free, but I'm the one who plays peacemaker already, anyways.
I could probably have accepted this as all there was. Except....
They're both hyper-sexual. It's an Open Marriage and they go out to the local swing clubs a couple times a month. Both of them have others that they share but it's all casual sex and casual friends. Needless to say, this part is exceedingly frustrating to me. I've tried talking with her about it and even with B. There's a chunk of cognitive dissonance here, because none of it makes any sense. I'm not one of their swinger friends, and beyond that, there's only B. I've had one or two breakdowns because of how much I want her. Funniest part is that she's who I turn to when that happens. She's my best friend and who else can I talk about it with? It's hurting them to watch me hurt. But none of us know what to do.
So I came looking for answers and found out about all the poly people out there. HEY! I'M NOT ALONE! And maybe someone could explain this to me! God, I hope so.
Last night S and I went for a long walk. We talked about what's wrong and she told me again how much she loves B and how that means there can't be any more than there is. I told her a little about what I'd found out and how one doesn't preclude the other. When she asked me what I wanted to have happen, I told her; the three of us together. As I explained, I could see a light come on. She told me that she was all for it, but that B might not be. And obviously, it needs B. Not just his OK, but his agreement that HE wants that too.
So she's going to read up on all this and then....????? Neither of us knows how to approach him about it. Her? Me? Both of us?
Sorry for the unburdening. I guess my questions are two:
Are there any others who've been thru anything like this? What do I do?
It seems like most of you are couples that went looking for a third or more. Any where it just sort of happened without anyone looking?
And it seems like for so many of you, it's a fling. Maybe one fling after another, but not a stable long term thing. Is that all I have to look forward to?
EDIT: Oh, yea. The age thing? It's actually not an issue other than being weird as hell. Both of them are way wiser than the typical 20-something. Probably from raising kids and being on their own for several years.
Last edited by Ren; 10-13-2010 at 12:15 AM.