PN put this up on his FB status update the other day... "anyone have any thoughts on the relationship between judging others and trying to control them to get them to do what we think they should do?" Many people wrote in at length about this questions and their answer to it. PN has a way of getting people to open up. The likes I've never seen. It made me realize something. In regards to that and the reaction I have been getting from my NS boyfriend about the halloween party I might be going to that my swinger friend is putting on.
It seems that some people see judgment as a way to attempt to control others whereas I judge out of concern for others because I compare their experience with my own. This misunderstanding of the way I judge has meant that my NSBF is surprised that I want to go to such a party because there might be people in states of being half naked and flirting with others... he is surprised because I might be offended and have reacted strongly to swinging in the past because of my own hang ups.
Why would I object? I don't think I have objected out of trying to control or out of judgment for no reason. I have been concerned and don't know why, so I discovered why and then dealt with it and now feel far more healthy around the whole issue of sport sex. I just don't want to participate and have no need to. My need for thrill seeking and accomplishment in this area is fulfilled.
On PN's fb status update I got the feeling that people thought that to judge others was because we don't have compassion and I think that is true. It's hard to have compassion for swingers if you don't know any or care to. But really there is another kind of judging and that is in order to help ourselves make sense of our world.
I wrote on his update, "judging to me is about about expressing concerns and talking about personal opinion. After all how are we going to figure our shit out if we don't talk about it and judge the actions of others against our own. It's when... one sits in their shit and doesn't attempt to get out of it that bothers me. If it takes judging, then so be it. judging and controlling are completely different to me. I don't judge because I want to control and really if people think that then they don't really know me and perhaps should look at their own stuff around that belief....."
"I agree with the link to compassion if we are not to judge, but I still think that isn't the answer to it all. I think one can still be compassionate and have an opinion about someones actions and it come off as judging... sometimes judgment is in the way something is received rather than how the words were expressed. It's still a really good idea to check and see if what was said was meant to be a judgment as a way of trying to reach compassion, an opinion based on a persons own experiences and therefore concern or a way to keep sitting in ones shit and not budging. Really, if we didn't openly judge others then I don't think we would ever understand one another or accept one another. I would take someone who judges me openly over someone who says nothing any day."
Mono I think that you are trying to figure it all out for yourself and I am so glad that you have chosen to admit that rather than pretend you don't care and are sitting in your shit about. Sometimes people sit in their shit until you they are uncomfortable and still sit in it and blame their lack of comfort on those that they judge. People seem to create so much negativity by blaming others for how they feel rather than trying to figure out why they are uncomfortable with others. I'm so glad you don't do that.