Thank you all for the advice. With your help my rational self has finally taken back control. There were things I didn't want to hear, but very little I didn't already know to be true and while I certainly have a lot of things to deal with I think I've made the right decision and told my wife she can continue with a scheduled date (of sorts) at the end of next week. She's having an operation and will be stuck at home for several days so her boyfriend is going to come visit for a few hours one day and after that we need to figure out what will work for both of us. I told her that I don't want to be in control of her relationship, but that we need to make some agreements on frequency and duration as well as coming up with a more reliable routine for both us and them while I work on managing my emotions. I have frequently asked for reassurance, affection, and attention, but I need to do better being more specific while she needs to work on giving some of that without me having to ask.
I'm promising nothing, but giving it everything despite my feelings is the best I can do right now.
There's really only one thing in the above comments that I'd like to address directly:
Originally Posted by Ariakas
In regards to NRE, well...I think there are different degrees of NRE and everyone reacts differently to different situations. Maybe you are asking things to slow down that just can't. Its something not usually spoken, but there are somethings with NRE that almost feel like they HAVE to happen. There is a natural flow to them. If that flow is broken it could really interrupt what they are trying to build. That could create resentment from her to you, or create other areas where she will try to push the relationship unnaturally.
I know it sounds like I am trying to give her an excuse, but I am not. I just believe there are stages of any relationship that have to be allowed to grow at their natural pace or you risk damaging that potential relationship. Besides, when you find someone for yourself, you will want that room to grow too
While I completely understand your point I think you miss the point that if I can't process what's happening at the speed that it's happening then I'm likely to either shut down or explode/implode. My reaction yesterday and my melt-down Thursday (unrelated to an event) show that it's a possibility. If I can't be given time to manage my emotions then I'm bound to ruin it for everyone. If I need to request some compromise from them in order to prevent that then that's exactly what I'm going to do.
I don't think anyone would disagree that this has to work for everyone involved - with some concessions of course. My concession is to keep trying despite my emotional want to give up. Their's is going to have to be to moderate things a bit so that I can do that. Less than 24 hours ago I wasn't even willing to do that so lets call it progress.
If my needs disrupt their natural flow then maybe it's not right for our relationship because my wife and I both agree that we come before everything else and any relationship that jeopardizes that needs to be avoided. I'm sorry if that doesn't work for everyone else but that's what is going to have to work for me. Talk to me in a year and I might have a different opinion.