Blog 3 part 2
With his statement about not compromising, to me I view it as him never being able to accept or embrace me for what I am, and it breaks my heart because I do love him very much and donít want to lose him, but I also know I canít be that dutiful, good Christian monogamous wife that he wants me to be. I was an emotional wreck that night and towards the end was beating myself up for having been born and for having such a large heart. I felt it was a blessing and a curse. I was playing my MMO with John and some friends a couple hours before bedtime and was sitting at my desk, my back was in a lot of pain, as I have back issues and had been working that day, but at that point I really didnít care that my back hurt and I needed to lay down I kept playing the MMO and didnít say anything. At bedtime I was hungry and didnít care enough to bother eating. The next morning I was in tears when I woke up and I had to work that day. I really wished I had not been born.
At the end of the day I got home, and was in a lot of pain as I had had a longer shift at work than usual and my back was suffering for it. I lay down and was talking to John and two friends of mine and my two friends ambushed me by using one of my open hypnosis triggers, which produces a physical reaction in me, which essentially makes me feel like Iím being tickled at first but after it is used several times it serves to relax me. They used it so many times I couldnít move and couldnít feel a thing. It was wonderful, and they eventually used it so much I fell into trance. It was what I needed even though neither they nor I were aware of it until later.
My mother and grandmother left yesterday to fly to the US and visit Bob and use their trip that had been intended originally for my wedding. It puts me in an awkward spot because I know I need to tell Bob about my being poly and be completely honest with him about it, however with my family there visiting and having no way around or to the airport without Bob, I hesitate to tell him in the off chance my family might get stuck without a way around. The other thing is I will need to tell my father about my trip to visit John coming up, which will be exceedingly hard for me, as I know my father will not understand my being poly at all. I live at home with my folks atm as I cannot afford to move out, so my just up and disappearing for a few days is not a good thing. My mother knows about the trip, so it just will be telling my Dad.
That bring me to today, I am not as broken as I was a few days ago with what Bob told me, but I am still hurting inside and afraid of losing him. I know I will have John regardless of what happens, but even with John, I will still feel like a large part of me is missing if I lose Bob. I love John alot, but I also love Bob greatly. If I had to explain it and compare the two, the love I have for John is in its infancy and is just starting to blossom into becoming more than what it has been, versus the love I have for Bob is strong and has been around and in full bloom for 3 years. I donít know if that makes any sense, but I guess the real point is that the love I feel for each of them is different and I would greatly miss them if I lost them.
So thatís where I am at, hurting inside, and still sorting through what to do and clinging to hope beyond all hope that Bob will be able to embrace me for what I am, as unlikely as it now seems given what he told me those couple days ago.