Looks like this entry is going to be acouple posts long again as I have inadvertently been putting it off, so sorry in advance!
About a week ago I went to the womenís poly group. I had a great time, and there was alot of support there for me from other women who are poly as well. I didnít feel alone, weird, strange or that there was something wrong with me and got friendly advice for what to do with my situation with Bob. Much of the feedback I heard from others was that Bob is being pushy with me and trying to gain back some control over me and that the questions he asked me in an email sounded like he was controlling and trying to make me feel guilty for being honest with him and for trying to take control of my life in my realization of being poly.
It has been an up and down week since. John and I have been discussing meeting each other and have book tickets to meet in late November. I am both excited and nervous about it, not entirely sure I am nervous; perhaps it is simply because it will be the first time we will meet in person. He has been wonderful this week, though I feel bad for leaning on him so much emotionally lately. As it was me that cancelled my marriage to Bob, I got stuck with the debt for it. The bank declined my credit card limit increase and I was panicking. Meanwhile John had already been making arrangements to cover the debt in the background. I feel really bad about relying on him (and a mutual friend of ours) to have to look after it for me but in the end I didnít have any other choice. John said that he realized initially that I probably couldnít handle the debt and that he would pick it up. I feel bad and do fully intend to pay both him and our friend back. John realized it was a way that he could help me and sees it as taking care of me. He said I didnít need to pay him back but that if I wanted to he wouldnít stop me from doing so.
I should make a note here that when I brought this topic up at the womenís group that I received feedback to be cautious about John giving me large sums of money like this as it could be a sign of him trying to be controlling as well. However the situation is different between John and I. It dips a slight bit into the D/S world. While we both donít live and breathe in the scene full time, we are both switches. He sits more on the Dom end of the scale and I sit more on the sub end of the scale normally. For the most part he is usually Dominant to me and I submissive to him. So we both view the money thing as part of a Dom taking care of his Sub (even though I still have trouble grasping that for a large amount), and I am alright with that, and quite enjoy being submissive to him alot of the time. Though there is the odd time where we switch roles and it is an interesting experience for me, though I canít stay on that end for too long.
Anyways back on topic here. The later half of this week I was talking to Bob again, and the conversation turned awkward. He mentioned how if he and I got back together again I would eventually have to give some explanation to his mother about everything. That is something I have been dreading, even though at this point I have strong doubts about whether or not we can be together again, I will elaborate further on that shortly. My birthday is coming up next month and I will be 29. Bob had asked me about whether or not I had tried on these shoes, MBTís, at the store downtown, as I really need a good pair of shoes to work in and I have no arches on my feet at all, and anything with arches just plain hurt. These shoes had been highly recommended to me but a friend and Bob offered to pay for them and buy me a pair in the US if I gave him the size and style info. So heíd asked me if Iíd had the chance to try them on because at least this way itíd make things easier for him in figuring out what to get me. I told him not to worry about a gift as I didnít expect gifts from anyone since money is tight this year all around. Then he asked me a very odd question. He said it wasnít about what I expected then asked if I was ending any chance of he and I repairing our relationship and calling it quits for good. I was very confused. I told him I wasnít and asked where that question had come from. He didnít really answer, just said that as far as he was concerned I was still the love of his life and that he wanted to help me however he could and that to him my birthday was still just as important as anyone elseís. I donít really feel comfortable with him giving me an expensive gift or really anything at all, particularly when the future of any relationship between he and I is still yet to be determined.
This is not even the worst of it. The conversation soon moved to talk of Christmas because of my comment about expenses being tight he offered to help pay for presents and said they could just be marked as being from both he and I. I told him it would have to wait and see where things stood at that time and asked him not to rush me. He then started to get pushy saying it had already been two months (when itís only been a month and a half) and he asked me what was considered rushing or reasonable. I had to point out to him it hadnít yet been 2 months and told him when I was ready Iíd bring things up. I donít heal easily or forgive myself easily either, that I might seem strong but am still fragile inside. He said heíd try not to push me and would try and hold on as long as he could, that heís living on faith and prayer atm. I told him that even though it probably feels like forever for him, for me Iíve only just begun to sort myself out (in discovering am poly, though havenít told him that yet), and that when I was ready to talk to him Iíd have alot to say and hoped that after I was done heíd still want me in his life. He told me that would depend on what I had to say. He also told me that if it made it any easier for me that he would not compromise his religion or morals again, that after being through the pain of doing it to ďsaveĒ our engagement, he wouldnít go through that again. In my view what he did (see blog entry #1 part 2 about this). Then he mentioned for the first time since I called off the wedding, about the idea of an open marriage and being with other people even after being married. I had thought he had forgotten or was hoping it was just a phase that I was going through, I still believe though that he is hoping it is just a phase and that Iíll ďlose interestĒ after a while.