Thread: What is this?
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Old 10-10-2010, 06:05 PM
new2poly new2poly is offline
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 15
Default What is this?

Hi, I am new to all of this and frankly have an acquaintance that is poly and have been very critical of her relationships in the past. She is involved in a triad with her husband and another man. She is the hinge. I have never seen the two men have any involvement with each other... they are not even, as far as I can tell, friends.

I am now the "pot", so to speak.

After a 12 year, basically loveless, relationship which ended badly, I met someone I am attracted to. I am female and he is openly gay and in a committed relationship with another man. They live together.

The sexual relationship I had with my ex was the only thing I had, and it was good when we had sex, however, he seemed more and more disinterested as time went on and I had some questions about if he was himself was (very heavily in the closet) gay. I tried to approach him about it, but was met with angry screaming and yelling and ultimately he left me because I thought he was wearing women's underwear and he refused to admit it, even when I approached it in the kindest/gentlest way. Even when the alternative to me finding underwear that was not my own, meant I would think he had cheated on me. I have since discovered things that make me believe he was at least cross-dressing etc... it is sad in a way because I would have accepted and even enjoyed this.

At this time, I'm not interested in a sexual relationship with anyone. I am enjoying my space, do not really think I will live with anyone again, and do not wish the entanglements sex could/would bring right now. I am fine with being self-satisfied in this area. I have missed the love, attention and affection you are supposed to get when you are in a relationship... I have missed this for a long time - even while in the relationship with my ex. I will also say that I have been, in the past, an extremely jealous person.

Fast forward to getting to know C., my new guy. He is very open about who he is and with all emotional and sexual issues with me and I found myself being this way with him also - over the first two weeks, just gradually opening up more and more and talking. He told me he was a drag queen, which I thought was pretty cool. I have an open mind about this since I have experienced drag queens before, and my brother is gay and several of his friends liked to dress in drag when I was growing up. I'm very comfortable with the LGBT community and people cross dressing, and cross gender identifying.

The first show I went to where C. preformed as a drag queen, I was surprised to find myself extremely attracted to his female persona. I was very turned on by her (and continue to be so). I will also say I do not identify as Bi or Bi-curious. It was at this time I met C.'s partner, B. - we 'clicked' immediately and enjoy each other's company, laugh and joke etc...I find him very engaging. He is handsome, but I'm not really attracted to him. He is also very caring, kind and open.

I have interacted and been with both of them daily for the past two months. C. and I text message late into the night and he often tells me where he is and what he is doing. Text's me goodnight every night, etc...they both want to be with me, ask me to do this and that with them, say yes readily to things I suggest they do with me. I have not experienced this before ever in my life... I tried to step back citing they would get sick of me, but they both objected very strongly. B. defers to me when we go out, allows me to sit next to C. etc... C. is affectionate with me in every way, sometimes the three of us will sit casually touching when at a club (C. is definitely the hinge). I will kiss/hug them both, but there is a difference in the manner with C. much more boyfriend/girlfriend like.

I had a long discussion with C. a few weeks ago, about how vulnerable I was feeling and scared to let him in because I have lost so many people in my life. B. came to me the next day telling me C. was upset and how important I was becoming to them both. He also told me that all of us would be hurting and missing out by me holding myself back for fear of being hurt. He talked about Garth Brooks song, "The Dance." When I thought about it... I decided I should take the chance and whatever the outcome it would be worth it.

C. does not cross dress outside of performing. He seems to enjoying knowing that I am attracted to him and especially enjoys that I am attracted to his female persona. He delights in teasing me when he is in drag, will kiss me and hold my hand in the club etc...B. never seems jealous at all, in fact he has encouraged our relationship and appears to enjoy it as much as either of us.B. has mentioned our status as "triad" or "triune".

It is pretty clear to me by now that I am in a committed relationship with C. and happy with that fact - happier than I have ever been in my life. My ex has recently mentioned to others that he would like to get back together with me. I told C. this and he asked what I would do. I told C. that my ex had nothing to offer me and that I was happy with what I had.

I love C. and B. both. I enjoy them and love being with them. C. fulfills my every emotional need and my need for physical closeness and contact. I am not jealous of B. at all. B. is not jealous of me. I am okay with the fact that sex is not going to enter into this relationship.

Is this still polyamoury without the sexual component? That seems a stupid question... love doesn't necessarily mean sex. Yet, I believe that even if I were to have sex with C. that I would not be jealous of B. However, I have no problems with seeking sexual gratification elsewhere (should the opportunity present itself. I am not 'looking'.) and respecting my relationship with C. and, by extension, B. as my primary emotional relationship.

I have never been involved in anything even remotely like this. I think I'm here because I want someone to say, "yes, I've been there." So I don't feel like being happy because of this is not 'right' by accepted norms. Or maybe I need to hear that what I have is beautiful and good and to cherish it. Perhaps just a place to share my happiness would be good, too. My friends are happy I am happy, but they don't quite understand...

I also feel somewhat like I owe my acquaintance an apology for being closed minded about her polyamoury, and I am seeking answers to why I was uncomfortable with her situation before now that I am enjoying mine.

I'm glad I found this forum. I hope to gain some insights here.
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