Just wanting to get stuff off my chest, I guess kind of a rant but its long, dont feel obliged to read.. sometimes writing things helps me review them and understand them
I am having a hard time not juggling my life at the moment... Does that make any sense?
For about 3.5 years I did pretty much nothing, and when I say nothing? I mean n.o.t.h.i.n.g. No job, no school, no volunteering, just nothing. I moved away from a very busy life, so it was a huge change, not only having no friends, no job, but just not even anywhere I could walk to and be safe.
I went from going out 6 nights of the week to leaving the house only at 3am to check the mail... It was very much not like me and it was a shock to the system. Slowly, I started making new friends (carefully because of some issues that happened in the first year) but have and will always miss love and cherish the ones "back home".
My husband was "out of town" for the first year or so, which made it a lot harder as well. Anyways some major life events happened, and then we moved. After one of these life events I seemed to change back to "spaghetticat!"
I started being exciting about everything, jumping into everything heads first, learning and reading and spending time with new friends and just having fun. Then things got VERY crazy, very fast. I started my first poly relationship,I went back to school, made more friends who liked to party all the time. It wasn't really a bad thing, but after other events happened I ended up being constantly busy- like everyday. Also took on a very large leadership position A huge drastic change. This is all within the span of a couple months, but most of it within about 1 month. I like to be busy and have things to do, but at some points I did feel like I was spread way too thin.
Things started to change quickly with that, my (second primary?) became very very busy with school work and other activities. My (first?) primary became more busy with work, and needed more time for his non work activities. Because of several issues, I had to drop out of school, but my friends are still busy, I had tried to step away from "partying" every weekend (I am too old for it lol) and then other things happened which made me feel awkward to hang out with certain friends. Throw talk of having a child in there and it feels like I am walking backwards in circles.
Also because of this extra time, I start over reacting, over thinking and over worrying about everything, its not so great for my psyche. I know things will change and I need to make myself do some things just at least for myself if not for everyone I have relationships with.
With that being said I am truly thankful to have found this place. I did find it a while ago, but it took me a while to sign up and talk openly, and figure out exactly who I am (still a work in progress, i hope for the rest of my life).
Already I have met some of the kindest and caring people I could hope to find in this journey. I know that "this too shall pass", I just wanted to get it out
I am also thankful that I have very supportive relationships, and taking care of them helps me feel like I am "doing" something in my life, and them just being there for me while I am going through this is just amazing. I hope that I can return the favor if they ever need it.