Just because you are having a hard time now doesn't mean it will always be that way or that it has to be that way... these things take time... we all of us on here are struggling and working on how to make our lives comfortable and sane... take a read, do some searchs. You will see in no time that you are not alone and that you can do it.
Get off the pot. I have had two partners that smoke and I left both of them. I need someone who is going to take their lives on, not sit and just let it pass them by all the while just settling. this is a chance to make your self great, rather than... meh *shrug* you have one life and a woman that says she loves you. how can you find a way to nurture your love with her and be the best you can be? that is the question as far as I can see it anyway.
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