Don't know where this post will go, but I feel like I just need to get things out.
I'm filled with joy at the blossoming friendship between Indigo and Mr. A. They are talking to each other some of the time when working out the weekly schedule. This takes a lot of pressure off of me to balance everyone's needs.
Yesterday, Mr. A had a terrible day at work. The company he works for is going under; it's only a matter of time. He's a flight instructor, and finding work in that field is next to impossible right now. He works long days, but isn't paid unless he's actually flying or can scrounge up enough tasks in one lump to bill hours. Or really, hour. It's not uncommon for him to make less than $20 during a ten hour work day. Apparently, this is the industry norm, and there is nothing anyone can do to improve these conditions because there is a surplus of pilots. Don't like the way things work? That's okay, there are dozens waiting to replace you. Not every day is like this, mind you, but enough are.
It's heartbreaking to see someone so motivated and passionate have his love and dreams crushed to bits. (The reality is that I am his secondary, flying is his primary.
I was a complete and total bitch to Indigo yesterday. I get stressed, and lash out. Uncontrolled. Quite frankly, verbally/emotionally abusive. I'm working on it, but really it can't get better fast enough. The pain I inflict is unacceptable. Unfortunately, for me to understand and therefore control these episodes, they have to happen. I gain a bit of understanding each time, but it never feels like it's worth the cost.
The only two people in my life who are close enough to me to see this side are Indigo and my father. Why must I hurt most the ones I love most? Dad endured years of this bullshit from my mother, so he's a saint at ignoring me when I get into a mood. Indigo ... he grew up in a loving family. There was no hidden agenda. He asks sometimes how you can speak to someone you love in such a way. Irony is, I act this way because
he is close enough to know the worst side of me. I have no answer as to why. And I wonder why it happened to me when I was apparently loved by Mother.
She used to tell me I was a manipulative bitch. A horrible person who would end up alone. And I look at the wedding and my guests. My maid of honour? Dad's girlfriend. One childhood best friend and his long-term gf. Maybe two coworkers who are friends, but not close friends. And my boyfriend.
Who invites their boyfriend to their own fucking wedding?
After everything yesterday, Indigo volunteered to drive me across town AND pick me up from Mr. A's. Almost an hour and a half of driving total. After I was a useless blob all day. So that I would feel better seeing Mr. A, and so that Mr. A might feel better after a terrible day, without the added pressure of arranging pickup/delivery of me.
Guilt guilt guilt guilt.